Tanner Reviews Aliens: Colonial Marines

AliensColonialMarinesBoxOh this game did not make me happy… I contemplated making a review on Aliens: Colonial Marines mainly because when the game was released… I was not writing reviews yet and I usually like to reserve my weekend reviews for more ‘current games and films’. However given the fact that it had pissed me off or so I felt like it would be a good idea to give it a review seeing as how… I haven’t had the opportunity to play any new releases this week. So I have a free spot and with it let’s fill it with this piece of shit.

This game has that rare luxury to fit in the special… NAY elite group of games and film that just find new and spectacular ways to piss off fans of already pre created mythos. Right in there with The Thing remake, the Resident Evil film series, and Walking Dead: Survival Instincts this thing down right insults fans of the series who after years of hoping for a playable game for Aliens and with so much potential could only look down at the disk and shed a single tear of despair and shame.

The game itself had actually been in the works for years but went through all kinds of production hell being passed around like a joint at a Woodstock concert before it fell into the hands of SEGA and Gearbox Software. Labeled as the ‘true sequel’ to James Cameron’s Aliens the game is suppose to take place directly after the events of Aliens. The story centers around the Colonial Marine team sent to investigate Hadley’s Hope after receiving a distress message from Corporal Hicks in informing them of the the failed efforts and catastrophic failure of the mission.

I don’t want to waste much more time typing this so let’s get started.


Multiplayer is Fun

I actually am not a big fan of versus mode in most games… Mainly because I suck at them and really just get bored with them very quickly. After one death match play through I’m already ready to call it a day or put another game in, but usually they turn into 90000 60 minute long matches filled with nothing but profanity and tea bagging. Sorry minor tangent.

But for Aliens: Colonial Marines it is a shit ton of fun playing as either the marines or the aliens and the best part is that the teams are not even. Humans are at a pretty damn big disadvantage so the trick as a human is to use your team to work your way through the levels and strategize the best course of action for hunting down and killing the aliens. It isn’t just a ‘everybody run into the pit and KILL KILL KILL’ it is a lot more methodical and I love it.

As an Alien you are given plenty of power to hunt these marines down you can see through walls, plan your attack. You can run in head first and try to tear into them or you can wait patiently for your opportunity to strike.

Both sides are a lot of fun to play and it really makes it more enjoyable than just shoot shoot shoot until the game ends. If it were possible just to buy the multiplayer for $5 and skip the rest… I’d consider it.


The AI…. AKA O’NEIL!!!!

This game will make you eat your controller in rage just from the AI alone. Any time you see the character O’Neil (your smartgunner) follow you on the screen be prepared for pain because this fucker will be a brick wall in between you and progress. Half of the time the guy gets in front of you and stands in the middle of door ways and corridors doing butt fucking nothing while aliens are running all over the goddamn place. The entire time he is there he does nothing but prevent you from moving forward. You will stand there and jump and move back and side to side (when the option is allowed) or anything just to get the AI to move to a spot where you can run around them and keep going. I swear I think they added at least an hour worth of gameplay to there game just by having O’Neil stand in front of you.

It should not be this hard to program AI nowadays that you can at least have it say ‘when bad shit pops up shoot at it’. Half of the time any of the AI characters assigned to you on a level will or will not fire… It really depends on their mood I guess because one could literally be chasing you in circles and they won’t give a shit or they could just be firing wildly in all directions except the one you want them to fire.

It looks like a Xenomorph S&M Dungeon
It looks like a Xenomorph S&M Dungeon


The whole reason I picked up this game, the whole reason I wanted to play was so I could be a badass Colonial Marine just like in the movie who kicks some Xenomorph ass… Instead I find myself playing Call of Duty: Weyland Yutani. The major villain in this game is not fucking aliens it is Weyland Yutani who basically declares war on the Marine Corp… And how you declare a war on a single entity of a government is really beyond me. Is the navy, the army, or the coast guard just forbidden from helping them? Either way, most of the levels are human levels where you are in gun battles. I do not in the least bit want to be in a gun battle while playing this game. I want to kill Xenomorphs. If I wanted to fight soldiers I would play CoD or another game similar to it.

This is something that would actually only be a nitpick… If they didn’t make it look like it was going to be a gun fight throughout half the game in the trailers. Seriously in the trailers you do see some gun play and honestly with the way a lot of games are made I kind of expected it. But I was expecting this to be… Maybe one level later on in the game near the Third Act of the story. But no it is Weyland Yutani vs. Colonial Marines all the way with some Xenomorph fighting thrown in there. It feels deceptive. Like they knew people would be pissed if it was human v. human so they hid it to milk some more money upon its release.

Continuity? Lol Fuck That

Oh man oh man… I love the fact that this is in canon with the Aliens universe… It is almost comical how the series has gone from brilliant to absolute shit after the second film. For me and like many other Aliens fans, I like to think the second film is the conclusion and the other two and this game are nothing more than cheap knock offs. It helps me sleep at night when I think of that series because if I did not have this philosophy I would cursed this game to the flaming pits of Hell a long time ago!

This game puts in so many damn plot holes into the series it is simply hilarious and with barely ANY explanation for why they are there or how they are there or why they are still around. For instance Hadley’s Hope is still in relatively decent shape… Considering the fact that it was turned into a ‘vapor cloud the size of Nebraska’. Sure it is in ruins but most of the structural integrity is still in tact. Granted I did like exploring Hadley’s Hope but there shouldn’t be even a piece of concrete left from an explosion the size of a small country that can be seen from space!!! Also the Sulaco shows up which doesn’t make any damn sense because if this was in Continuity or what they call Continuity then the Sulaco should be chilling out around Fiorina 161 waiting for the events of Alien 3. And it is explained with just one line of dialogue as to why it is even close to LV426 which doesn’t make any sense either! They say it auto piloted back after there was a fire. Why would they go back to LV426? Wouldn’t a military ship if there was an emergency fly itself to the nearest military facility to be repaired instead of a random ass planet with God knows what aliens on it. Hell even in Alien Resurrection when the ship auto pilots back to Earth it doesn’t make the most sense but it at least makes more sense then flying to Lv426 which was established as being a possible hostile planet.


But both of these are no match to the big one. The head honcho of what the fuck retcons of this game… A character from Aliens who we thought was dead did not turn out to be dead. Do you know who it is? Hell sure you do it has been out long enough why keep the schtick up. It’s Hicks. Yeah the guy who got crushed in his cryo tube in the third film turns out he isn’t dead. His excuse? A long story involving a guy who isn’t him in the cryo tube… Holy shit you jumped the shark and there wasn’t even a shark to jump. Why the fuck bring back Hicks? I understand he is a cool character and people were pissed when he died but man that just fills this game with so many plot holes you could fit… Well Nebraska in it. Who was the guy in the pod? Yes we do want to know! How did you get back? Who do you work for? What the fuck is going on here?

Could you just not get Bill Paxton in a sound room for a day to make a cameo as Hudson near the end of the story? At least Hudson would make a lot more sense. He was a somewhat likable character and a strong soldier. His death in the film was VERY ambiguous and it could have easily been said that he broke free of his captors and found a safe place to hide from the explosion. Granted I would have called bullshit on the hiding from the explosion but if most of Hadley’s Hope was still intact then I would not have called bullshit on it or at least a lot of bullshit. Hell you could have brought Apone back. He was the grizzled soldier tough guy who owned every scene he was in and he was only in the first fucking act of the film. You even got Al Matthews back in the sound stage to reprise his role! My God I would have accepted any other character who could have been alive except for the ones on the Sulaco. It just doesn’t make any sense and as much as the fans want to see these ships, these buildings, and there characters back… You have to present them in a way that makes sense and the game just doesn’t. It just seemed to be an afterthought. We have to explain why they are back… Well shit just throw something together! We have a deadline to meet!


I wish I could give this game some credit but I can’t. It is annoying and does not respect the source material by forcing in insane retcons and plot holes and gives us nothing but a sub par game and a sour taste in our mouths.

Hopefully it is games like this that will teach people that you cannot just throw schlock onto a game disk and hope that it will sell. If you put effort into the game you will be rewarded instead of shunned by the community at large.

Final Score: 0.5/5

I am sorry. Usually I like to reserve Saturday’s reviews for the big movies coming out but right now I am trying my best to turn those reviews into a film review so I decided to switch my video game and recent film reviews for the weekend.

Hopefully if all goes rights my review of The Hangover Part III will be a video review… If not it will at least be written. So tune in Sunday for my review of the Hangover Part III.

If you liked this review please like and subscribe for more and as always thank you for reading.

5 thoughts on “Tanner Reviews Aliens: Colonial Marines”

  1. I haven’t worked up the fortitude, or money, to go out and review this game yet. What a catastrophe, same with Gears of War Judgment.

    I have to salute you for somehow getting through this game, you brave brave soul.

  2. I haven’t worked up the fortitude or money to go out and review this game. It looks like something plucked from a bowl full of famine, genocides, and this game. I have to salute you for toughing this game out, you brave soul.

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