Tanner Reviews Spring Breakers

Spring_Breakers_posterI think we have all had this moment at least once in our lives. That moment when you just absolutely hate a film and yet everyone around you loves it. I had the exact same feeling watching Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon. When I saw it and the credits rolled and I heard people actually fucking applauding that movie… The rage boiled inside of me. But then I found solace knowing that not everyone liked it, there were critics out there that hated the movie just as much as I did and I was happy to know that someone shared my opinion on the matter… But when a film comes out that is loved by critics, movie watchers, and so forth and you as a viewer absolutely detest the film to the point where you are sitting there yelling ‘What the fuck is wrong with the world?!’ That… That is a whole other level of annoyance. Granted, this thing has a 63 on Metacritic and received mixed to positive reviews, but Jesus Christ this thing should honestly be ranked around a 20’s or 30’s range by far! I have always said it, regardless of how I feel about a movie or a game or whatever. If you like something, that is fine! Enjoy it, don’t let me stop you… But man this one fucking blows.

So yeah… I watched Harmony Korine’s Spring Breakers. What did I think of it? It is a piece of pretentious shit is what I think of it! To even conceive that this thing is being or was being showed at film festivals, simply baffles me. This should have been booed right off of the screen!

So the story is about these four college aged girls who want to go party for spring break, because we don’t have enough movies that involve college kids partying, right? They do not have enough money to go so three of them decide to rob a fast food joint with hammers and squirt guns complete with pink ski masks, because GIRL POWER FUCK YEAH! They get the money and take off for Florida to party it up. But eventually the law catches up to them and they are arrested, but are quickly bailed out by some sleazy looking guy from Saint Petersburg named Alien (James Franco) and the girls join him and his drug dealing empire. But all is not well in paradise as there are problems with the christian character Faith (Selena Gomez) because that is fucking subtle, as well as Alien’s rival Big Arch (Gucci Mane) does not like him dealing on his property.

Now that you are aware of that, let’s get this over with.


The Acting Isn’t Terrible and Shots are Pretty good.

Yeah the acting isn’t horrible. As a matter of fact, I’ll even call it good. James Franco does a really good job, so does the four girls and even Gucci Mane isn’t that terrible. Not to mention the camera work is pretty good as well. It is obvious that Harmony Korine knows how to point the camera, shoot, and put a film together. So basically on a technical level alone, this film isn’t terrible. It is decently shot and decently acted by the whole cast. It is everything else that is the problem.


Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens In a Risque Role

I do not want to come across as a conspiracy nut… But I honestly think that the fact that Hudgens and Gomez are in this film is one of the major reasons that it got the positive reviews that it did. Because it took two former family friendly actors and put them into a very adult themed movie with some rather risqué roles.

Until this point and to my knowledge, Gomez has only done family friendly movies and television shows and Hudgens was only beginning to dip her toe into the more adult roles with movies like Sucker Punch. (I’m sure someone will be around to correct me on this)

Granted, Selena Gomez plays the goody goody of the group but even she takes part in the more adult friendly spring break activities and Hudgens character is straight up thuggin’ with her armed robbery as well as joining in Alien’s drug empire and getting sexy with him. These are two roles that people had not seen from Gomez and Hudgens and because of this I feel like a lot of people do give these movies good reviews, because they are watching these family friendly actresses starring and decently acting in a hard R rated film.

But like I said, this is more conspiracy and less fact on my part so I can’t really put it into the cons category.


The Protagonists are Unlikable Pieces of Shit

This might be another reason why the film was so popular...
This might be another reason why the film was so popular…

With the exception of Gomez’s character, the rest of the cast is nothing but unlikable pieces of shit with no redeemable value to them what so ever. You have four people who are so desperate to go to Florida to do nothing but drink and party that three of them are willing to hold up a place at ‘gun’ point just so they can go. They go down there, doing nothing but party hard and to hell with the fucking consequences, get arrested, and then get bailed out by some drug lord. The only two with redeemable qualities fuck off and we are left with three protagonists, one who is a drug lord and a gang banger and the other two who say fuck it to their lives and join this guy in the world of drug dealing and are even willing to kill people after Franco’s character gets killed.

Seriously, these are just a bunch of terrible people doing terrible fucking things and to be honest, that isn’t something that I want to see. I would have much rather seen a story about Selena Gomez’s poorly named character Faith. At least she had a conscious, at least she drew the line somewhere. I would have much rather seen a story about a girl who is fighting the peer pressure of her three pieces of shit friends then watch the other two get into a three-way with some lanky tattoo ridden drug kingpin.

It Is Based on an Already Tired Premise

How many movies out there revolve around spring break? Too many to count! How many movies revolve around college kids drinking and partying? Too many to count! How many movies out there show the negative consequences of getting involved in a sleazy underworld? Too many to count!

This film is an amalgamation of completely tired and used up premises and plots. It tries its hardest to amp it up with nudity, violence, and some artsy messages as two of the girls get involved in the drug empire, sex the shit out of Alien, and then drive off in a Lamborghini when they are done, still complete with pink masks. (Seriously those things piss me the fuck off).

This film tries to be artsy and it tries to say something more… But at the end of the day it is just a movie about a bunch of terrible people, doing terrible things, and those who are not so terrible fuck off and this leaves us with the terrible shits to deal with through the entire second half of the movie. It is a spring break and drugs story and that is about it. Plain and simple!


This film is terrible. With the exception of Gomez’s character, the rest are just horrible people who do horrible things. The film tries to keep your attention with T&A and tries to be artistic, but ultimately just comes across as pretentious crap. Not to mention those damn sexist pink ski masks!

Sure the acting is good and the film is well shot but it is not nearly enough to save this thing.

Final Score 1.5/5

I’m going out of town this weekend so my Saturday review is out a little early. I will return Sunday.

Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this review please subscribe for more and you can follow me on Twitter @TannerReviews.

3 thoughts on “Tanner Reviews Spring Breakers”

  1. I loved spring breakers for all the reasons you hate it. it’s an examination of the draw of wealth and power over the reality show driven culture of today and an excellent one at that. it’s over the top and super entertaining. can’t believe you liked the bling ring over spring breakers. gah!

    1. I just couldn’t get behind it. Besides Selena Gomez’s character I just hated every one of the protagonists which soured me on the whole movie.

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