Guess what happens in seven days? I will be publishing my 100th review! WOOT! Yes, this Sunday I will be posting my 100th review and in honor of this I am dedicating this next week to my extreme self-interest! The next episode of the Nerdiest Talk Show on Earth will be released Friday and will be a Vlog of myself and Brandon talking about video game guilty pleasures. On Saturday I will be reviewing one of the most anticipated games of the year, Grand Theft Auto V, and at the end I will be releasing my 100th review on a subject that is very near and dear to my heart. But that you will have to return Sunday to see. So yeah, a very exciting week for Tanner Reviews… And starting off the festivities, I thought it would be high time that I reviewed my most hated film of all time! Oh yes, out of all the films that have ever existed, nothing angers me more than this one. The crown jewel of this nerd’s nerd rage, Paul WS Anderson’s feces covered abomination, Resident Evil Apocalypse.
Now before we get into all the things that piss me off about this movie, I feel the need to reiterate the difference between a hated movie and a bad movie. Just because a film is a bad movie does not mean that I hate it and the feeling goes both ways. Just because I purely despise a movie makes it a bad movie. A hated movie in my book, is a movie that is very personal. It isn’t just that it is bad, it hits a cord that only a few things could ever even hope to hit. The epitome of shit and for me, the Resident Evil film series is one of those things. The fact that I did a Resident Evil retrospective for the site and admitted that it was the video game franchise that got me into playing video games in the first place, Resident Evil needless to say holds a soft spot in my heart… Then to see Paul WS Anderson and Milla Jovavich collectively shit on the series over and over and over again just finds new and spectacular ways to piss me off.
But out of all the films out of the entire series… It is easily Resident Evil Apocalypse that takes the cake in my book on the biggest of the logs in the toilet that is the Resident Evil film series. The first film… I really have no problem with. In fact, if the film did not have the Resident Evil name attached to it than I would dare call it a really good zombie action horror film. Really all you would need to do is take away the words T-Virus, Umbrella, Hunter (licker), and Raccoon City from the movie and it is no longer a Resident Evil film. But then Resident Evil Apocalypse was released and the game had completely changed… But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Resident Evil Apocalypse takes place directly after the first film. Our 80 pound, faux badass protagonist Alice (Milla Jovovich) finds herself in the middle of a zombie outbreak as all of Raccoon City has been overrun with the T-Virus infected denizens. She later meets up with a group of spunky misfits from the city including a rather racist cab driver named LJ (Mike Epps), an obviously dead reporter named Terri Morales (Sandrine Holt), plus some appearances of characters from the game Jill Valentine (Sienna Guillory) and Carlos Olivera (Oded Fehr). The group is later recruited by an Umbrella Exec named Charles Ashford (Jared Harris) to save his daughter Angela (Sophie Vavasseur) who is still trapped in the city. But that is too easy! Nope the friend of Alice’s from the first film and fellow survivor Matt also shows up to fuck everyone’s day up and kill all the protagonists of the story. Man just going over that little synopsis made me feel like shit just because I remember its existence. So… Let’s get started.
I’m not joking here, the best part of this film is the credits. Not just because the movie ended and I was very very happy to see that it ended, but the music playing during the ending credits is one of my favorite songs of all time, Killswitch Engage’s The End of Heartache. I love that song and having it play over the credits of a movie I was so excited to see end made me happy to no end.
It isn’t like people were just clamoring for a sequel to the first game. For some strange reason, the Resident Evil film series just has the right amount of fans who keep coming back to see more that it can keep generating movies for the franchise and even that simply baffles me. But really there is no real reason for their to be a sequel to the first film except to make money off of it by sucking as much cash from desperate fans to see a good Resident Evil movie. The original wasn’t great but it was decent, you could have ended their and called it quits. But instead a sequel was generated from it and brought nothing but mind numbing violence and stupidity that merely viewing it lowers your IQ.
The Movie Seems to Insert Random Shit from the Games Just to Appease Fans of the Game
Even though I admit that I do kind of like the original Resident Evil movie, like many I was wanting to see the characters from the game in the movie. I wanted to see the real mansion, the large red staircase. I wanted to see Jill Valentine and Chris Redfield and I wanted to see the characters that I grew up playing in the video games. Well I feel like the way the film tried to ‘appease’ the fans of the game was to insert random moments from the video games… But have Alice do them instead. Such as the moment in Code Veronica when Claire is out running the gunfire from the helicopter, well they just have Alice do that. They insert Nemesis who actually looks like Nemesis and have Alice fight him instead. They insert Raccoon City, because Raccoon City.
It feels like the only reason that they really inserted these various bits and pieces from the game into the film was to appease fans to see things they had played in the game. But had zero tact or care to them. It feels horribly forced and takes away from the film at large… Especially since it is not being performed by the characters we want to see perform them!
The Films Became Resident Evil: Call of Duty Before the Games Did… Starting With Apocalypse
This movie is not a horror movie in the slightest. There is never a moment of terror or suspense… And their really isn’t a whole lot of jump scares in the film either and if they are there then they are really predictable jump scares. It is just GUNS and ZOMBIES and MORE GUNS! Even Nemesis himself isn’t a terrifying character. In the video games Nemesis is downright terrifying. Probably the most terrifying villain in the entire Resident Evil franchise. He is this gigantic monster whose only goal is to murder STARS members. He is relentless and can appear at any moment.
In this film… He just uses guns, guns, and more guns. There is no terror to him except for a sort of Terminator style terror. Take away his guns and rocket launchers and he really only becomes a really strong dead guy. There is no tentacles to lash out or really any other weapons at the disposal of Nemesis.
Then add-on top of that Jill, Carlos, a protagonistic Nicholai, and Alice you just get the first installment of Resident Evil: Call of Duty. They just gun down various villains left and right before making it to the evac chopper.
The Main Characters of the Game Take a Back Seat to a Terrible Protagonist
Oh and here is the number one reason why the entire film series blows massive chunks. It is the fact that Resident Evil has produced so many cool and awesome protagonists over its course. You have Jill Valentine, Carlos Olivera, Chris Redfield, Barry Burton, Claire Redfield, Leon S Kennedy, and so many fucking more… And who do you have as your protagonist? Alice. FUCKING ALICE!!!! Let me count the ways of how Alice is a terrible, terrible protagonist compared to all of the other Resident Evil characters.
First off, yes Milla Jovovich is a decent actress and I am not putting her to blame on this. She did the best that she could. But she it looks like a stiff breeze could blow this poor woman over and you expect her to be the gun-toting badass that the movie wants us to think she is… That is hilarious. Every time she is on-screen it looks like she is struggling to hold up a BB gun let alone a fully automatic assault rifle. Michelle Rodriguez from the first film is a great female action protagonist. Just look at her! The girl is attractive, has some curves, and looks like she can actually lift fifty pounds without straining herself. Milla Jovovich is a terrible choice for the role on these grounds alone.
Second, Milla Jovovich is adorable! I’ll say it, Milla Jovovich looks adorable. She is cute yes and this is a good thing for other roles that Jovovich could do… Except for a role where she is supposed to be intimidating. God bless the woman she really is trying to be an intimidating character, but it never feels organic. Every time I see her angry stare or her intimidating speech, it is enough to spark a round of intense laughter to think that anyone would actually take that seriously. It is like being intimidated by a box full of fuzzy kittens.
Third… If you are going to put Alice as your protagonist then fine… Go ahead, by all means. Do what you got to do… BUT if that is the case then for the love of God, do not have the protagonists from the game take a back seat to your terrible original character! Jill Valentine and Carlos Olivera are two of the most badass characters in the entirety of video games and we can extend this to all the other RE characters they use in the series. When you have already established badasses, instead of making them come to life on the big screen, you just make them Alice’s entourage. They have a few badass moments but every time they take a back seat to Alice and her faux badass persona. I want to see the more of Sienna Guillory in the main character role being Jill Valentine. She did a decent job as Jill and could have made the movie decent if it wasn’t for the fact that she had to take a back seat and kiss Alice’s ass.
This film might not have been the worst culprits of this… But it sure as hell was the first and was enough for me to tell the RE film series to shove it up their ass.
I despise this film, absolutely hate it more than any other movie that I have seen in my lifetime and it really helps that the film is terrible on top of that. It is just a variation of action sequences with only a small semblance of a plot holding it together. The action isn’t well handled either and seeing the ‘main characters’ from the games take a seat to a terrible protagonist in Alice just adds the icing to the shit cake.
Final Score 0/5
Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this review, then please like and subscribe for more. Come back this FRIDAY for the next episode of the Nerdiest Talk Show on Earth, Saturday for my review of Grand Theft Auto V, and finally on Sunday for my 100th review.