What the fuck is this? Seriously, what the fuck is this even?! I don’t know if I can go on. I honestly do not know I can keep doing this. I have been reviewing movies and video games for well over a year now and now I find myself face to face with something that I can barely comprehend. We have reached this stage where Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead is a thing that legitimately exists. It is a movie, it is on Netflix. No seriously, go check, I can be patient. It is a fucking thing! I have seen a lot of fucked up Hollywood trainwrecks, I have seen a lot of B grade horror movies, I have seen a lot of Z grade pornos where some assholes filmed a bunch of people having sex in Harry Potter costumes and called it Harry Twatter. But this is the movie that has me at a complete loss for words. This is a movie with a title similar to Shaun of the Dead with motifs that rival that of Quinten fucking Tarantino. What the absolute fuck?
So let’s talk about the plot of this thing. Basically we have your standard, group of friends go into the woods for the weekend and slowly die one at a time. But instead of drinking and partying this time, they are instead looking for trout… Not joking there. They are looking for a parasite in trout that will keep them thin so they can become super models. I’m not joking there either. This horrific looking tapeworms turns out to be a horrific parasite that turns people into horrific zombies with an extreme lust for all things that involve the ass and what comes out of said ass, which includes these tape worms in what is called and I quote “a never-ending fart’. The story then follows our cast of plucky heroes as they attempt to survive the horrific ass tapeworm menace led by their strangely martial arts trained assassin/school girl Megumi (Arisa Nakamura) and I swear I’m not making this shit up (no pun intended) has a power rangers style battle with the number one monster at the end of the film. Before someone says spoilers, does that really deter you from seeing this thing? Not at all, so please remain quiet because I don’t care about that opinion.
I’ve always said it, I will praise a modern movie for using practical effects so I will praise this one for doing the same thing. I don’t know if it was more out of necessity or actually wanting to use it, but they actually did look good and you could see that they thought outside the box when it came to making the effects look somewhat life-like and if not at least laughably campy like the Power Rangers villain at the end of the movie. So kudos there.
Strange Yet Interesting Nods to Other Work
With nods to movies like Shaun of the Dead, classic slasher horror movies, and an opening that is straight out of a Tarantino homage to the 1970’s, I do also have to give a nod to the movie for executing them rather well. Though when it comes to my go to line of thought of ‘if you make a shitty movie, don’t remind people of better movies they can be watching’ then this may not be the best of ideas. But overall, I can’t fault them for it too much.
Just Because a Film is Self Aware and Goofy, Doesn’t Give it a Free Pass
A common fallacy that I see in the movie making business is the idea that if a movie is intentionally campy and ‘knows that it is a bad movie’, then it somehow gets a free pass because it is knowingly bad. That is not the case, movies that do have that claim to fame typically have tact behind them. They are intelligently written and carefully planned so that they come across as intentionally bad, but in a good way if that makes sense.
Sharknado is a very popular example of a movie that is bad, but in a way that is entertaining. It is made like that, it is carefully planned to be a certain way. This feels like the people who created just said ‘Eh, as long as we make it over the top and clear that we aren’t being serious then it will be good.’ which is a horrific mindset to have. This is not a movie that is on par with Sharknado or any movie within the category, this is a piss poor movie that needs to disappear and disappear quickly before people watch it for the same reason most people would, because of shock value.
It Isn’t Even Fun in a Bad Way
I can still get behind laughably bad movies Battlefield Earth, After Earth, Armageddon, and so on. There are funny bad movies out there to watch. This just isn’t it. It feels like it is trying far too hard to get people to laugh so they throw in a bunch of shit jokes, fart jokes, and low brow humor just to see what sticks while waving their arms saying ‘SEE WE ARE FUNNY!’ If anyone ever wants to know what goes through my mind when I see an Adam Sandler movie, you can pretty much watch Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead to get a good idea of what I feel like I’m watching. It is like my worst fears of what movies are going to eventually become if people keep getting chuckles out of comedy like this. Oh god I fear for the future.
For anyone who has seen the movie Idiocracy and remembers the movies were just an ass farting in front of a screen for several hours on end… Yeah, I feel like this movie is a perfect precursor to that. It is an ass farting on-screen for several hours. There is nothing but low brow humor in a zombie flick with a typical B-Horror movie, kids go into the woods, and get killed plot. If I’m going to watch trash, at least it will be better trash than Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead.
Final Score 1/5
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