Ah, my favorite time of the year, when I look back to the films of old and countdown the ones that deserve the up most praise from my snooty, pretentious, turtleneck wearing self and the films that deserve to burn forever in the pits of cinema hell… Well okay maybe not that bad, but a lot of them are pretty crappy schlock. I do wish I had made it to the theater more this year, but sadly with getting into grad school, lack of money, and the lack of a car, my time in the theaters was quite limited. But now that all of those problems have been fixed so 2015 will have a lovely cornucopia of films that I can tear a new asshole, but for now we will make do with 2014’s collection of crap.
Just a reminder to all readers that this list is created from films that I have personally seen and reviewed. There may very well be a worse film then what is number one on this list. I believe in that 100%… But sadly I didn’t get a chance to see it so it won’t be making the number one spot. With that said, on to the dishonorable mention.
Dishonorable Mention Divergent
Divergent finds itself in the dishonorable mention spot mainly because of a lack of other strong contenders of movies I’ve seen in 2014. Divergent is not terrible, I’ll say that up front. If you are a fan of the books and if you enjoy the young adult genre such as The Hunger Games, Harry Potter, and so forth then you will get some enjoyment out of this movie.
However the film remains in the safe zone when it comes to its film making chops. They hold themselves down to tropes and leave a lot of gaping questions about the source material and the world around it. It isn’t terrible… But it certainly is not something I recommend watching anytime soon if you are not a fan of the book.
Fuck me for having a contentious opinion but I refuse to buy into the fact that the 2014 version of Godzilla is nothing more than summer blockbuster smash-up the city tripe. I am all for a good summer blockbuster, don’t get me wrong. This is the guy who damn near put Pacific Rim in his Top 5 Movies of 2013. But there just needs to be more substance to the movie then what is given in Godzilla.
I feel the acting and the writing of the film was not up to part to balance out the destroy the city and everything in it aspects to make it anything worth while then a generic destroy shit blockbuster movie that will be overshadowed years to come by far better and in some cases with the Transformers franchise far worse films.
I thought about even considering Disaster L.A. for the running on this list would be unfair. After all, it didn’t get a wide theatrical release and the film is relatively obscured, with not many people knowing about it outside of Turner Clay’s entourage of friends and the few people who happen to stumble upon the DVD while shopping at Wal-Mart. But at the end of the day I said ‘You know what, it is a shitty movie and it came out in 2014, it is going on the list.’
Disaster L.A. is a movie that suffers from insufferably bad writing, terrible acting, and rampant egotism on the part of Turner Clay who is the director, writer, producer, editor, and did the special effects for the movie. Not to mention the ‘cool character’ of the film is named after him. The film feels like something I would make with my friends a few years back if I had the budget of over $1 Million dollars. It isn’t even a good kind of bad, it is just simply an unwatchable zombie film.
This movie drives me nuts. Because I can see there was some real thought behind it. There was some merit behind As Above, So Below. It was a found footage movie that wanted to break the tropes of the genre. To have a more intelligent plot beyond that of traditional creature features. They wanted to engage the audience in a way that would have been different and redefine what had quickly became one of the most laughed at and horrific genres in film today.
Instead what we got was a decent idea that was torn to shreds by what I can only assume is the studio getting cold feet on releasing something outside the Found Footage comfort zone. The characters are too one note and the plot is not delved into with enough detail to set it apart from the rest of the crap out there. Not to mention the shaky cam is back and just as nauseating as ever. Due to this, As Above, So Below earns a spot on this list.
The yearly recommendation of absolute crap that you absolutely need to see. Just like last year when it came to After Earth, I look back at A Winter’s Tale and the masochist in me giggles with glee. If you are a fan of gloriously bad movies like myself then A Winter’s Tale is the movie for you. It has all the wonderful components Will Smith is in it… Which is strangely becoming a running theme of excellent bad movies, he plays the devil of all people, there is a space horse, Russell Crowe is being the same unintentionally goofy dude that he has been since Gladiator, it is directed by Akiva Goldsman one of the most bipolar producers, writers, and directors in film today, Colin Ferrell is a wonderfully terrible lead, and just about everything about this movie is so terrible that it needs to be viewed and riffed to unholy hell.
The only reason this movie does not make the number one spot while albeit being a more objectively bad film is because I can take some joy out of watching A Winter’s Tale. The same cannot be said about the movie in our number 1 spot.
I often attribute Seth MacFarlane and his brand of comedy to that of Adam Sandler. He started off with a few okay ideas and then after he got too much creative control and too much money he took it all and has consistently given us crap from that point onward. For everything the man does right like Family Guy and Ted (which I think gets far more praise than it deserves) you have a slew of The Cleveland Show, his Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy, and the movie that finds itself on the top spot of terrible movies of 2014, A Million Ways to Die in the West.
What can best be described as Family Guy in live action meets the old west, this film released by MacFarlane falls flat on its face with his safe and patented style of humor. It brings nothing new to the table and is nothing more than a film that MacFarlane fanboys can obsessively masturbate over. It may not be the most technically worst film on this list, but it earns the top spot for what it represents and what it can become and that is a slew of MacFarlane crap that we will have to sit through year after year while he collects an even bigger paycheck each time.
Thank you for reading and as always if you enjoyed this review then please like and subscribe for more from me. We still have the Best Films of 2014 coming up and then we will be back on track with the new year of Tanner Reviews.