Tanner Reviews The Loft

The_Loft_film_posterWow… I don’t know what I was expecting… We start off 2015’s movie reviews with what might very well be my worst movie of 2015. Granted it was released to several film festivals in 2014, but I don’t care. This movie is bad and it will be on my 2015 list. If anyone has any problems with that, go make your own review site, but I digress. As I said, I do not know what I was expecting from this movie. I have made it clear in the past that I am not a fan of Karl Urban and I will state right now that I am not a fan of James Marsden. I do not like the idea of five douchebags owning a loft for the soul purpose of fucking mistresses in and just about every area of this film screams of things that I just don’t like. So what possessed me to see it even knowing that I already do not like the set up and it turns out to be bad even for the low bar I set for it? I don’t know, maybe I am going crazy. But make no mistake about it, this movie is absolute crap!

The Loft is the story of five guys. Each of these five guys owns apart of a Loft that they use to cheat on their wives with their respective mistresses. Inevitably, one day a woman turns up dead in the loft and the five men begin to suspect each other for committing the crime. Four of the men turn their attention towards their friend Vincent (Karl Urban) and attempt to frame him for the murder of the woman since Vincent slept with the majority of their respective wives and lovers. The movie then follows the five guys in a ‘whodunnit’ fashion as they try to discover which of them truly is the murderer.

Characters are all Sleazy Bastardsimages

So who cares about five guys who spend X amount of money on a loft just so they can cheat on their wives and lovers? Nobody? I didn’t think so. All of these people are just so sleazy! Each of them are cheating on their wives and seem to almost detest each other. Karl Urban’s character sleeps with each of their wives and lovers, Marty and Mimi detest each other, others see no problem with murdering someone, and framing their friend because of resentment! It has been a long time that I have seen a movie and immediately wanted to take a shower for watching something so filthy… And the last movie that made me feel that way was Cannibal Holocaust, a much better movie!

It is About Terrible People Doing Terrible Things

I have stressed this in the past and I will stress it again, nobody wants to watch horrible people doing horrible things for the only sake of a somewhat shitty comeuppance. I can understand if there was a serious arc for these characters. But for the exception of Eric Stonestreet’s character Marty and his wife Mimi (Kali Rocha) whose arc is minimal, nobody learns a fucking lesson! Hell, Marty and Mimi are still in a horrible marriage and do not respect each other. So even the more redeemable characters are nothing more than piles of disposable trash.

If you are going to follow these people, give them an arc! Give some of them a satisfying redemption instead of leaving them the same festering hemorrhoids on sphincter of society that they were at the beginning of the film!

downloadThe Movie Doesn’t Feel Real

I can understand that this is a movie and movies for the most part are not set in this sort of reality. But when you make a movie like this, that seems to be intended to be set in our world… It is hard to get past the fact that I cannot see this happening. The idea that five guys would spend what would have to be an exorbitant amount of money just to have a loft to cheat on mistresses with baffles me. Not only that, but that the five men would share it, and all be friends with the same motivation to cheat in mind. Then these five people get caught up in this murder conspiracy to the extent that they do.

Maybe I just hold the human race to too high of a standard. I don’t know, but I just can’t see it and it was very distracting for me.


The Loft is crap. It is nothing more than a group of sleazy jackasses living a disgusting existence. I feel absolutely nothing for them and my only regret is that only a handful of them were punished for being terrible people. There is no arc, there is no satisfaction, and it leave you with a sour taste in your mouth.

Even if the film was decently shot, well acted, or artistic, I could give it some merit. But it has nothing going for it. The shots are amateur and the acting across the board ranges from sub par, to cartoonishly over the top, to just plain horrible. This movie is inept on every single level.

Final Score 0/5

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