Tanner Reviews Unfriended


Unfriended_2015_teaser_posterAss… This movie is absolutely pure ass. I don’t get it. I really do not get it. How is this movie receiving favorable reviews? This movie is terrible! At its best, it is nothing more than a dime a dozen horror movies. It has all the same tropes and is nothing more than a shitty date movie with the concept of the internet based around it. At its worst, it is unoriginal and stereotypical horror movie crap that shilled out money to Skype, Spotify, and other websites which will instantly date this movie for future views. Twenty years from now someone is going to say ‘remember that Skype movie?’ and the response is ‘Yeah who uses skype anymore?” This movie is going to be the You’ve Got Mail and Blair Witch Project of the 2010’s!

What happened to me? I love horror movies! I do, I love the genre! But man can it come up with some crap. It is to the point now that if a movie has an even semi decent new concept it is automatically praised by every critic on the planet. Needless to say, my opinion of this movie was a little less than stellar and that is putting it lightly.

The story goes that a group of friends are mourning the suicide of a friend named Laura (Heather Sossaman). Laura killed herself after several online bully attacks got too much for her to bare. While skyping with her boyfriend Mitch (Moses Jacob Storm), Laura’s best friend Blaire (Shelley Hennig) is interrupted by a group of their friends which includes a random ‘other’ account. After they attempt to get rid of the account on several occasions, the account stays around and that is when shit gets bad… In several meanings of the word.

The cast begins to get killed off one by one by this phantom ghost and they are forced to play various games with online websites in order to appease this evil spirit and also a rousing game of Never Have I Ever… Because they are high schoolers after all. This goes on for what feels like forever while the cast tries to save themselves from the evil spirit.

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It is a Unique Concept

I do have to say that this movie could have been… good… If it was in the hands of more capable people. The idea of a found footage movie over video chat is pretty unique and could have been used really well. Almost like The Ring of a new genre of movies. It is too bad that this is the result of that, but still at least the idea for something worthwhile is buried under the shit.

Cons

The Concept is Wasted by Remaining Completely on Skype

This movie would be really decent if it took place away from Skype. If Skype was a major part of the movie but was not the ONLY part of the movie. I could get behind that. But nope… This movie focuses completely on Skype and them talking to each other in real time. This movie is nothing more than a 90 minute long Skype session where a bunch of people die in between. That is it. It is so boring! This is not good filmmaking! Good filmmaking engages the audience, this makes me want to pass out in my seat.

The Writing is Terrible

The writing is just bad, horrifically bad. The pacing is absolutely appalling and the story seems to be more of a ‘how many internet websites can we cram into this sit through’ instead of creating any sort of decent narrative plot. Characters randomly pop up on screen, they go through the internet as they are butchered by this ghost, and that is the end of the story. There is no arc, nobody learns anything, there is no strong moral except ‘bullying is wrong’ which will be completely lost on the audience who just want to see people die.

Oh yeah and all of the characters are bastards. There is that too. One of the stupidest tropes in movie history and it is front row center. Here is the thing movie makers… We want our protagonists to be likable. If you make characters out to be shitheads so we don’t feel sorry for them when they die… YOU HAVE FAILED AS STORY TELLERS! QUIT YOUR JOB SO COMPETENT PEOPLE CAN DO IT INSTEAD! All of these characters are little douche nozzles who do horrific things and yet I’m supposed to care when they die. I mean, you could make the argument that the killer is the protagonist which if that is the case then I am cheering for a ghost who thinks that murder is completely justifiable means of revenge… So even then I am sitting here saying… Yeah, give me a new protagonist, this one is defective.

06So Much Time Wasted by Crappy Product Placement

Wow… I guess if you need to get funded you suck a whole lot of corporate dick because this movie is littered with product placement. Product placement as far as the eye can see. Every where you turn, you get something trying to sell you something as people are being brutally murdered. There is an ad for Teen Wolf, a guy is smoking a Blu E Cigarette because he fucking can, and of course all the fucking websites. I think Kitchenaid kind of got snuffed on the whole blender thing, but that is besides the point.

Not since The Secret Life of Walter Mitty have I seen so much blatant product placement in a movie and god is it annoying. It will assault you at every turn with something else it is trying to sell you so be ready for that.

Conclusion

Unfriended is shit. It is the worst kind of shit, it is shit that ruined what could have been an interesting movie. There is a decent concept in there somewhere, but when it is ruined on a terrible horror movie such as this, it just makes me sad. The writing is terrible, the product placement is everywhere, and it is just an all around boring watch that will  become hopelessly dated when the various websites become obsolete.

Final Score 1/5

Thank you for reading and as always if you enjoyed this review then please like and subscribe for more.

2 thoughts on “Tanner Reviews Unfriended

  1. Pingback: Tanner Reviews The Gallows | Tanner Reviews

  2. Pingback: Tanner Reviews The Visit | Tanner Reviews

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