So seeing as how I am moving on Saturday and my wonderful girlfriend has come down to help me, I am a little pressed for time. I decided to go with a lighthearted and fun romp for my Thursday review. So, is it story time with Uncle Tanner? Yes… It is story time with Uncle Tanner. A while back I was sitting in my room, Skyping my girlfriend like any normal day. When suddenly she told me that I needed to play a game. I looked at my Facebook PMs and sure enough there was a link to First Person Lover. I had no idea what it was and Kitty did not tell me a single thing about the game. It wasn’t until recently that I was able to play the game, mainly due to the fact that I couldn’t play the game on Google Chrome so I had to wait until Kitty came around with Firefox so I could give it a go… Boy was I surprised at what I witnessed. I have seen a lot of things in video gaming… But this takes the taco.
So the story goes that you are an agent for some strange corporation that fights the hate of the world. There is a sudden unexplained spike in hate in one given area so they send you down to this city in order to eradicate all the hate. You are given various weapons as well as the powerful ‘love glove’ in order to take on the haters of the world. You use your kiss weapons to love these haters out of their clothes. After they are thoroughly naked, you fill them with your love, using your love glove. The end result is they have been converted from haters to lovers. I’M NOT JOKING! This is the premise of the game. You are sent to city X, to love people out of their clothes, and then fill the people with your love until they are lovers like you. This is the basic premise of this game. Oh and also something to do with clothes and Bjorn Borg underwear.
I could also say that the game is nothing more than light-hearted fun… But I feel this title works much better. This is a game where you are sent down to Earth, dressed in whatever designer outfit that you so choose, whether that be fully clothed or just underwear, and you love haters until they submit to your love. This game is nothing more than non stop cheeky fun. It doesn’t take itself seriously and that is a major plus. You go into this knowing damn well that shit is about to get funky and you enjoy every second of it.
You have a love shotgun, a love machine gun, a love crossbow, and your standard kiss gun at your disposal. This is one big fuck you to the first person shooter game in general AND I LOVE IT!
What is This… I don’t Even…
Shirtless Vladimir Putin Riding a Bear (Spoilers)
So the final boss of this game… You face a shirtless Vladimir Putin, who is riding a bear, that is on top of a gigantic hate cock traveling into the sky. Just let that image sink in. In order to win the game, you have to defeat the greatest hater on the planet, Vladimir Putin. I’m not sure if this is a pro or a con of the game. But it is certainly in the “what the fuck” category. It comes out of nowhere even for a game like this and you are just sitting there wondering what the creators of the game were smoking when they played it.
Simply speaking, there just isn’t enough of the game. It is a quick play through, maybe an hour-long, if that. For a quick little romp on the internet, I suppose that this is okay. But I really wanted more from it. Granted, this could be a good thing. You might have a Sunset Overdrive on your hands if this game was full length. However I would love to see what these guys can do with a feature-length game.
I suggest everyone play First Person Lover. If anything, just play it for the experience. There are some minor nitpicks though. The fact that the game is basically just a commercial for Bjorn Borg, the animation, and the fact that it is just a little game on some website. But overall, it is harmless, goofy, and just enjoyable fun. It is an easy way to kill an hour or two and is one of the best first person shooters I’ve seen in a while.
Final Score 3.5/5
Thank you for reading. Fear not! Even though I am moving on Saturday, a new episode of The Nerdiest Talk Show on Earth will be published. On this episode, Erik Glasgow and I discuss Direct to Stream Television Shows and Movies.