Another year down! Which means that it is finally time to reflect on the movies and video games that came to us in 2015. This truly is one of my favorite times of the year. It is the time when I look back at all I saw and played in 2015 and reflect on the good and the evil. Each time I look back at the best and worst of 2013 and 2014, it feels as if I am stepping into the past and reliving who I was and what I was doing during that year. So with my misty eyed nostalgia written for the world to see, let’s start adding 2015 to that list and count down the 5 movies that made my eyes cry with despair and pain as I sat through every excruciating second. This festering dog pile of shame is the worst movies of 2015!
I have to say before I continue that this was a year of polar opposites. I saw some of the best movies I have ever seen in my life… And I have seen some terrible piles of ass as well. This list truly is the pinnacle of terrible movies! If we go back to 2013, Olympus Has Fallen made the list as a dishonorable mention for being little more than a Die Hard remake that happened in the White House instead of the Nakatomi Building. This year, it wouldn’t even have come close to scratching the surface of the crap I had the misfortune of being aware of their existence. So keep that in mind when I make this list that this is truly some of the worst that I have ever seen.
KEEP IN MIND! That these are only movies that I have PERSONALLY REVIEWED!!! I got problems from this last year when I did not include Birdman as one of the Best Movies of 2014. BUT, I didn’t see Birdman at the time, so if I haven’t seen it, I cannot review it, and I cannot add it to this list. Just as a refresher for all of those movies that I have seen this year, I have listed every single 2015 movie that is in the running for best and worst below.
The following movies I have seen in 2015 and are in contention for worst (and best) movie of the year:
The Loft, Jupiter Ascending, Fifty Shades of Grey, Kingsmen: The Secret Service, Chappie, Unfriended, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Mad Max: Fury Road, McFarland USA, Jurassic World, United Passions, Inside Out, The Gallows, Ricki & The Flash, The Fantastic Four, Furious 7, San Andreas, The Visit, No Escape, Pitch Perfect 2, Songebob: Sponge Out of Water, Cinderella, Goosebumps, Jem and the Holograms, Tremors 5: Bloodlines, The Stanford Prison Experiment, Ex Machina, Hot Tub Time Machine 2, Home, Insurgent, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, War Room, The Hateful Eight, Concussion
If a movie was NOT listed above, that means I did not review it and is not in the running for best or worst movies of 2015.
Dishonorable Mention: Hot Tub Time Machine 2
Fuck this movie. There was no reason for it to exist. It was a shameless cash in that did nothing more than to suck all the likability out of an excellent comedy. I cannot watch the first Hot Tub Time Machine without the thought of it ruined by this shit show. Any other year, this movie would be well within the Top 5… However, due to the fact that this year had some much worse festering turds, it gets a begrudging pass as a dishonorable mention.
5: War Room
War Room is just one of the worst examples of the Christian exploitation trend that has been running through theaters for the past two years. At the absolute best, these movies are pandering straw man movies designed to make other Christians believe that these movies are converting people to their cause. At their absolute worst, these movies are down right offensive in their dogmatic drivel of ideology. I am not one to attack Christianity, you are welcome to believe whatever you want to believe. But that does not take away from the fact that the majority of these movies meant to exploit the Christian faith for money are terrible movies with appauling messages.
War Room is less about a marriage being healed by the power of prayer and Jesus Christ and more about a child suffering through an abusive father, a disconnected mother, and a family that simply needs a divorce. Its message is muddled and is insulting to Christians and paints them in a very negative light. The movie just has a few decent points in order to save it from climbing higher up this infamous list.
There had to be a superhero movie that bombed at some point and why not have it be The Fantastic Four? Naturally, this is not a movie from Marvel Studios, but 20th Century Fox who is holding on to The Fantastic Four and X-Men with every fiber of their being. Maybe if The Fantastic Four can go to Marvel Studios, we can get a decent representation… But at this point I wouldn’t hold my breath.
The Fantastic Four is a movie that just does not know what it is doing and does not understand the source material. First off, The Fantastic Four is not a young adult story and has no business being one. To make it a YA movie is just silly and pointless. Second, the idea of ‘dark’ superhero movies is way past. While it can work for Batman, that does not mean it can work for a series as campy as The Fantastic Four. Third, the tone is just out of nowhere. It wants to be dark, but it wants to be campy, it is surprisingly gruesome, and is all around an absolute mess. It is apt that The Fantastic Four lands at number 4 on this list.
3: The Loft
This was the first movie that I reviewed for 2015 and it still gives me nightmares from its terrible cast of appalling characters doing horrific things to one another. I still consider the fact that the writers and directors wanted me to relate to these characters as a personal insult to my character! Excellent actors like James Marsden, Eric Stonestreet, and Wentworth Miller are at the absolute lowest point in their careers. Karl Urban… Well people know how I feel about his acting (I DO NOT CARE FOR IT) so this is just par for the course as far as I’m concerned.
The Loft was a perfect example of an art movie gone horribly wrong. What was meant to be a murder mystery turned into a 100 minutes of eye torture that had you hoping that they all caught syphilis and died. It is a mostly forgotten movie and one that will only be brought up by the most die hard of cinephiles to blast the careers of Urban, Marsden, and so forth… But it still finds its spot at number 3 on my list.
2: The Gallows
I hate this movie. I do not just hate it for being a piece of shit that wasted eighty minutes of my life with its nonsensical found-footage bullshit. I do not just hate this movie for having one of the worst scripts in the history of film making that is a disgrace to a genre that is already marked with horrendous piles of dog shit. I hate this movie because of the fact that these things are still fucking successful and because of that, they keep getting made!
This movie is shit, this movie is irredeemable shit. This movie is the worst kind of movie. It is a lazy ‘found-footage’ movie that uses the found-footage genre to justify not having to care about cinematography or plot structure. The script was clearly thrown together in 30 minutes, made obvious by the fact that the characters are named after the Z-list actors with the exception of the contrived villain. This movie is the worst kind of garbage AND IT STILL TURNED A FUCKING PROFIT! This movie made $42 million dollars! This should not fucking happen! Please, I implore everyone! Stop seeing these movies. I may be willing give you $5 out of my fucking pocket if I have to to make sure pieces of shit like this stay as far away from the movie screen as possible.
So… Needless to say you have to be a movie of an epic fucking caliber in order to beat The Gallows as my Worst Film of 2015. In order to defeat a movie such as that, you need to be one of the worst films of ALL TIME! And I’ll be a the uncle of a fat sweaty ape named Fred if that is not what I saw a couple of months ago. United Passions will forever be a movie that was created solely for the fact that a couple of corrupt European billionaires wanted to masturbate to how awesome that they see themselves while ignoring the fact that the rest of the world hates them and would willingly take a cheese grater to their genitals then watch a movie for you to choke your chicken.
First off, who here wants to watch a movie about the founding of a sports organization? Who cares about the forming of the NFL, MLS, or anything like that? Nobody, because what we care about is our various sports teams. Second off, who wants to watch a movie about the formation and ego stroking of one of the most corrupt organizations in the entire world? What? Nobody? Really?! Well color me shocked!
I will say this right now, on a technical level, this movie is better than The Gallows and The Loft. But, it is what this movie represents that finds it at the number one spot. This movie is a movie that was made because the corrupt heads of FIFA wanted to see a movie where they were the good guys, to boost their image, to slander their enemies, and to boost their egos. This movie is trash on every level. It is cinematic trash, it is pretentious trash, it is sychophantic trash, it is a waste of money, and it is my hope that this movie will forever represent the ineptitude, greed, and self-servicing nature that is FIFA. Because of this, United Passions earns the top spot as the absolute Worst Film of 2015!
Thank you for reading! Over the next couple of days I have a few more things in store: a review of SOMA, a review of Concussion, The Best and Worst Video Games of 2015, and the Best Films of 2015!