Tanner Reviews Gods of Egypt


Gods_of_Egypt_posterThis movie is a piece of shit! I already have a strong contender for worst movie of 2016. The movie gods have smiled upon me once again. My god… You know, this really is the worst kind of movie. It is the kind of movie that you can see where the idea was going and in the hands of more capable people, could have been something good. But instead the money is absolutely wasted on a terribly written story, a mix of what could have been good graphics, and just all around shitty camera work makes this film an absolute pile of garbage of awfulness.
The plot of this movie, I think, it was painfully difficult to follow it… BUT the plot that I can glean is that the Gods of Egypt live with the mortals. They are very tall (when the camera work let’s them be), they bleed gold to get that PG-13 rating, they have terrible CGI morphing powers, and are nothing more than condescending dicks to them. Osiris (Bryan Brown) is kind of cool with mortals, but everyone else belittles them and expects there worship… Which the mortals are more than happy to do! Except for our plucky protagonist Bek (Benton Thwaites) who is an atheist, much to the chagrin of the love of his life, Zaya (Courtney Eaton). One day, when Osiris is crowning a new king in Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldu). All is going well until Set (Gerard Butler) gets a wild hair up his ass that he wants to rule Egypt. So he kills Osiris and rips out Horus’s eyes. He then dictates that in order to get into the afterlife, you need to pay your way in… Why? Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck cares, this movie sure as shit doesn’t.

A year passes Horus is a sham of his former self. After Bek robs one of his eyes from Set’s vault, Zaya is killed by the master builder. So Bek and Horus make a pact that if Bek helps Horus get his other eye back and he will bring Zaya back to life. The rest of the movie is a pile of who the fuck knows including battles that would be cool if we paid any amount of attention to it, Horus’s shotty relationship Hathor (Elodie Young), and Ra (Geoffrey Rush) battling a gigantic cloud worm.

Meh

There Were Effects… Some are Okay… Other Suck Massive Dickimages

You can see that this is certainly an effects driven movie on par with 300. Because of this, some of the effects look pretty good… But a lot of the effects make Mortal Kombat Annihilation look like Avatar. While the establishing shots of Egypt look nice enough and the sets can be cool, even Ra’s space ship that is definitely not owned by Marvel’s The Shield can look pretty boss, the rest of the effects look terrible. The gods are supposed to be ‘substantially’ taller than mortals, but that only comes across 40% of the time at tops, other times they just don’t give a rat’s ass. The CGI Gods like Horus and Sets god form as well as Anubis look absolutely horrendous. These things look like early era 90’s early 2000’s CGI. They look incredibly fake, unpolished, and makes the Asylum look good by comparison.

I absolutely love the fact that the gods bleed blood and it basically looks like nothing more than paint on the ground. But when Zaya gets shot through the fucking heart with an arrow, there is not a SINGLE drop of blood! Whenever I say no blood, I don’t mean a little streak down the chest. No, the arrow that he pulls out is completely clean and her body does not bleed at all! This is such as small pet peeve but it is so fucking invasive that I cannot ignore it.

You know that this movie is deep in the shitter when the driving force of the movie, a visual spectacle movie, falls flat on its damn face and can only be justified a ‘eh some parts are good’.

Cons

downloadThe Cinematography is Crap

While some of the effects are… passable… The cinematography ruins what little is left to be salvageable from this film. No matter if it is a focused zoom in shot that reveals every single CGIed aspect of the film, the cartoonish look, the ‘Gods’ always being in the foreground of the camera in order to make Bek look smaller, or the worst chariot riding shot I have ever seen… This movie just sucks on all levels. I would expect something like this from a low budget B movie, that is acceptable. BUT you had $140 million dollars and this is the best that you could come up with? A college freshman could do a better job then what you dished out for this trainwreck.

The Story is a Jumbled Mess

You know… A lot of this bullshit can be forgiven if the story was at least solid, but who the fuck knows what is going on? Nobody has any chemistry, nothing has any emotion or weight to it. It is just a jumbled mess.

Bek and Zaya do not feel like they are in love as much as they are two actors trying to portray it for all the time that is given to them. Bek and Horus are supposed to have this begrudging friendship, but none of it comes across like that. But nothing in this movie alludes to them having any sort of chemistry.

Set’s motives are completely unfounded except for some guy who just kind of wants to be the King of Egypt. There is no weight to him, he is apparently married to Nephthys but that isn’t shown at all in this shit show. This entire movie is nothing but a hodgepodge of bullshit thrown together into some semblance of a story.

If There is Mythology Behind this… I Don’t Know Itimages

Okay so I admit I am not the best when it comes to Egyptian mythology, so if some of this shit had symbolism attached to it, it was completely lost on me. I’m sure Horus’s eyes are powerful, but honestly, I saw little reason why Set needed to steal both if for no other reason to make him blind. Set’s ‘ultimate form’ where he had the eye of Horus, the wisdom of Thoth, the wings of Nephytyes, and the Staff of Ra has very little explanation to it. Quite frankly, it would seem that Thoth’s brain and Horus’s eye didn’t change him at all. Seems like the only thing he needed was wings to fly and a gigantic fucking Ra staff to do shit.

Ra battling the gigantic cloud worm was… Interesting, but the script seems to imply that we know what the fucking cloud worm is and what it is going to do besides devour shit. A solid chunk of this movie seems to presume that we have a bare minimum knowledge of Egyptian mythology without giving us any real dialogue explaining what they are, what they do, and what the ramification would potentially be.

Conclusion

This movie is terrible. The story is a pile of awful, the script presumes that you know something about Egyptian mythology, the camera work is amateur at best, and even the effects spectacle of this movie are wasted on a train wreck of terrible. I can almost guarantee that you will see this movie high on the worst movies of 2016!

Final Score 0.5/5

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3 thoughts on “Tanner Reviews Gods of Egypt”

  1. It’s hovering around 12% on Rotten Tomatoes right now. Judging by your review, it sounds like this movie is the new Clash of the Titans. It must be pretty bad if you didn’t even have a list of pros.

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