2016 sucks… Of course I miss movies like Hardcore Henry, of course I miss movies like Zootopia. I, instead, get left with the festering piles of crap that I bring all the hate filled bile to the forefront of my mind. I have seen two movies that are worth while this year and the rest have either been trash or at best forgettable. I need a good movie from 2016. Just to prove that there is something left in the tank. Please, if you are out there, send Zootopia. I want that movie! I NEED to see that movie! Just to prove that their is a cinema god out there and that he doesn’t hate me.
I cannot think to write a full review for this movie because this movie doesn’t deserve a full review. It isn’t because it is so horrendous that I cannot write, it is because it is moderately horrendous mixed in with the right amount of forgettable “seen it before” crap that it is fading from my memory even as I write these words. It is my hope that I can get this review written before I completely forget about it. I mean, I should have known. The January movies are quietly being released to the five people who actually wanted to watch them again so I can continue to pick the bones of their carcasses. Either way, let’s get this shit over with.
The 5th Wave is a movie that borrows from far better movies like Independence Day, YA dystopian sci-fi like Divergent, Maze Runner, and so forth. The movie focuses on Cassie (Chloe Grace Moretz), a young girl living in Ohio. One day, some aliens known as “The Others” shows up to fuck everyone’s day. They send five waves of various apocalyptic bullshit towards the Earth to wipe out all of humanity. Cassie must survive, help her family, and save the day from the evil “Others.”
It Could Have Been a Good Movie
I will say this in the same way that I said it with The Host. This movie had potential. It could have been something. Any apocalypse has plenty of room for character development and world building. You had a decent concept of an alien species that kills in waves and slowly obliterates the human race. It isn’t a bad concept. But you had to go and ruin it by making it so generic and dull that I can barely conjure up enough memory to write about it!
Why Do YA Movies Feel the Need to Give Vague and Pretentious Nicknames to Everything?
Why is it that a lot of young adult books and movies feel the need to name various locations, people, and things vague and pretentious names? The Scorch, the Others, Divergents, Souls, Wanderer, the Reaping, and so forth. You find them in just about every story. Some of them are innocent enough, but a lot of them just sound silly. Maybe in another movie “The Others” could have been something that sounded ominous and scary. But in this movie it just sounds like they couldn’t think of anything else better to call them.
A lot of these names that writers use in these books just sound “OOOOH, they are so mysterious! Be frightened, intrigued, and slightly turned on by this strange and foreign thing that can only be known by one word to encompass its entire meaning.” “The Others” is a textbook case of trying to fucking hard when you could have just called them asshat aliens.
One Part Independence Day, One Part Divergent, a dash of the Hunger Games, a Piece of Maze Runner, a teaspoon of Signs, and just a pinch of War of the Worlds Equals a Whole Lot of Terrible
What that long winded title is trying to say is that this movie is so generic that it might as well have Kroger Great Value written on the box. There is no original idea in this movie! Even the idea of making Independence Day young adult is not original because it steals from BETTER young adult movies. Here is a helpful lesson for anybody making a movie out there. Do not remind me of better movies in your shitty movie. The entire time I was sitting through this all I could say was “Yeah, I should be watching better movies right now.” It is just painfully generic.
This is a movie that has no heart or value to it. It is a movie that picked a young adult book off the Barnes & Noble bookshelf and said… “SURE! Why the fuck not?! This can make us money!” Then, due to their own arrogance, they made nothing on it because the movie was garbage.
This movie is the worst kind of forgettable. It is the forgettable that is horrendous so you cannot help but at least remember how terrible it is. You don’t remember anything else… Just that it makes you angry for some reason.
The story is generic, the writing is terrible, and for a world ending apocalypse movie, it feels small scale. If you want to watch a good or even a decent young adult movie, watch The Hunger Games, Divergent, anything but this!
Final Score 0.5/5
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