Here it is! Finally, after making it halfway through January, it is time to deal with the epitome of suck; The WORST Movies of 2016. All things considered, this year was rather good to me. I certainly saw more good movies than bad movies or at least movies that fell into the passable category. Though I do have to admit that when it comes to the bad movies, they were pretty fucking bad. This list was one of the worst trips down memory lane I have taken. From pretentious art movies to shallow sequels. From terrible YA adaptations to horrific Christian propaganda, this list is going to sum up the worst aspects of 2016 rather well.
I do have to add one more time that this list includes only movies I have personally reviewed. I am sad to say that movies like Hillary’s America and Vaxxed will not be on this list because I did not see them. Though I can safely tell you, from reading the synopsis, and seeing critic reviews that they would almost certainly have taken the 1 and 2 spot if I had seen them. With that said, we will start with one dishonorable mention and then move on to number five!
Dishonorable Mention: Yoga Hosers
I debated for quite some time on which movie I was going to give a pass to and which film would make the list in regards of my dishonorable mention. At the end of the day, the apathy and needlessness of London Has Fallen will make the movie fade away from my memory quite quickly. However, I will never be able to get past the painful jokes, forced teen relatability, and wooden acting that was featured in Yoga Hosers.
I am the Pretty Thing that Lives in the House was clearly a movie with a great deal of ambition made by a person who lacked any kind of tact or subtlety in his work. I might come off as overly harsh and mean-spirited towards Osgood Perkins, the writer and director of this movie, but I feel my harsh criticism is justified by the fact this guy clearly knows how to shoot a scene… But doesn’t know why.
Unlike Yoga Hosers, that was made with some fun and enjoyment in mind, I am the Pretty Thing is just pretentious art garbage that gives artistic movies a bad name. Each scene has that annoying “ASK ME WHAT IT MEANS” symbolism attached to it and the plot is a big pile of nothing that culminates in essentially nothing. While the movie does have a saving grace in regards to the acting chops of Ruth Wilson, that is the only good thing I can say about this movie.
How is it that a movie that cost somewhere in the hundreds of millions looks as if it were made on a $2 million dollar micro budget? I do not understand how this movie looks so damn bad. It is amateur animation at its worst and this is just the tip of the damn iceberg! It also features Gerard Butler as one of the worst performances AND that is saying something. It features Game of Thrones Nikolaj Coster-Waldau proving that he cannot carry a movie on his own and is best relegated to that of a supporting character. It also features Geoffrey Rush looking sad that he had to be involved in this thing. The script is terrible, the direction is poor, everything about this movie is trash.
Gods of Egypt is fascinating in the regard that it is fascinating to watch a clear summer blockbuster bomb spectacularly. It is quite obvious that this movie was meant to be one of the big spectacles of the year. This thing was meant to make a new viable market complete with sequels and a rabid fanbase. It managed to barely break even and have the distinct honor of proving that not all blockbusters are going to make money.
3: The 5th Wave
This movie is the death knell for the young adult boom that was seen in the past couple of years. It always irritates me that movies with genuinely good plots such as a massive alien invasion are ruined by shotty acting, lazy writing, and terrible direction. While other movies have had snapshots of each of these, The 5th Wave was the perfect storm of terrible and a representation of the worst aspects of the genre that included great movies like Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, and The Fault in Our Stars.
At least movies like Divergent had some interesting characters and the plot was somewhat engaging while the acting and direction was poor. This thing… This thing is nothing more than a lazy cash in to get fans of the book into theaters. I hope this pushes back the YA genre for a year or so so that producers and directors can reassess and create good movies instead of just pushing crap out the door for the sake of a quick buck.
2: The Forest
January truly is a desolate wasteland of horrendous horror movies that were not good enough for October. These are the movies that get sequestered to the worst part of the movie watching season so that the general populace can forget they ever existed and the few fans of them can enjoy their horrendousness. The Forest is a perfect example of this. Not only is it tasteless and offensive towards anyone of Japanese heritage, but it is also a poorly shot, poorly made, and ESPECIALLY poorly written piece of hack trash that has ever had the misfortune of gracing the screen. Say what you will about The Ouiji Experiment, at least it put the movie on Netflix instead of having the audacity of putting the thing in theaters. While it is certainly not on par with movies like The Gallows that prove that you do not have to have talent or ambition to make a movie worthy of the big screen, The Forest is still one of the biggest pieces of shit that I had the misfortune of seeing in 2016.
I have been operating this website for over three years now and have been a movie lover all my life. I have never seen a movie that is so overtly propaganda garbage since I watched propaganda movie made by Joseph Goebbels. Yes, I am saying that Pureflix’s Christian movies are analogous to Nazi propaganda! The difference being that the Nazis tried to use propaganda to recruit people to their cause. Pureflix only reaffirms horrific beliefs of those who watch the movie and make Christians look like horrific human beings.
Honestly, I don’t know why people support Pureflix. Pureflix isn’t Christian, it does nothing for religion except to alienate and spread hate as far and wide as possible. They are offensive on a fundamental level! The first movie was terrible, but at least it was focused on an intro to philosophy class where this discussion makes some modicum of sense. Instead, this movie just manifests a situation that does not exist.
This is a movie that takes that makes enemies out of the American government and the American Civil Liberties Union for simply enforcing the constitutional right of separation of church and state. Nobody will ever try to take prayer out of schools. You are welcome to pray as much as you want and you are welcome to form any school group that is religious focused. All it is saying is that those who do not believe in that certain belief are forced to follow its practices by a state organization. This movie is horrible propaganda of a situation that would not exist in this world. I have personally seen a similar situation in which a teacher brought up Jesus Christ in class. What happened was the teacher was said “Hey, you probably shouldn’t do that. Not a big deal, but just a heads up.” It would never go to trial, you would not have some Ray Wise hate spewing lizard man trying to destroy religion, this movie is a manifested reality created by people who want to be victims. They want to say they have been victimized because of X, Y, and Z and create a scenario in which they are the victims to garner sympathy. It is a trash movie that makes Christians look HORRIBLE and should not be viewed by anyone! That is the reason why God’s Not Dead 2 deserves the infamous distinction of being the Worst film of 2016.
Thank you for reading! Return soon for a much happier movie, The Best Movies of 2016!