Tag: Bad Movie

At the Movies: Murder on the Orient Express & Wish Upon

Cheesy Romance Month: City of Angels

city_of_angelsHow in the hell did this movie stay so far off of my radar? Seriously! This thing screams cheesy romance. It has the perfect blend of Meg Ryan, random male star du jour, and a silly plot based on a contrived premise. Why did it take me, neigh, three years to actually tackle this thing? Well, I guess since this month is dedicated to typically cheerful comedies, City of Angels tends to sometimes get passed over. This thing has been a long time coming so let’s tear into this piece of shit!

In its most base form, City of Angels is the story of Nicolas Cage’s character, Seth. He is an angel that wants to denounce his angelic ways in order to have sex with Meg Ryan’s character, Dr. Maggie Rice. That is really about it. I mean, sure, the movie likes to pretend that it has some overarching plot about the frailty of life and the acceptance of death, but in truth, this is just a movie about an angel giving up his wings in order to get a little action before his love interest is killed by the plot contrivance truck. Continue reading “Cheesy Romance Month: City of Angels”

Cheesy Romance Month: Mini Review: Cruel Intentions

cruel_intentions_ver1So yeah… My life has gotten insanely busy recently and tragically I ran out of time to write a full review for this one. So I apologize for this one. But all things considered, you aren’t really missing much. This is the 1990’s when shallow remakes of classic literature reigned supreme. As such, Cruel Intentions may very well be the worst of them all. A story about an upper class kids being assholes to one another, the movie is downright unwatchable even when you are one of the people who are the target demographic. It is no wonder that this movie has quickly been lost to the sands of time.  Continue reading “Cheesy Romance Month: Mini Review: Cruel Intentions”

Mini Review: Free State of Jones

free_state_of_jones_posterI was going to make this a full review… Then I realized that there was almost nothing to talk about with this movie and thought, “Why should I bother?” The Free State of Jones is a movie that was released early in the summer and was meant to be a more conservative summer blockbuster. Sure Independence Day: Resurgence and Suicide Squad are out there, but also here is a unique story about the Civil War based on a fascinating book written by Sally Jenkins. While the movie itself isn’t the worst thing that I have ever seen, the source material did not fit a summer blockbuster movie and as a result gets labeled with two words that kill a movie: boring and forgettable.

After the Battle of Corinth, Confederate soldier Newton Knight (Matthew McConaughey) deserts the army and makes his way back home to Jones County Mississippi. Becoming increasingly disenfranchised with the confederate army after the death of thousands mixed with the fact that the Confederacy is now taking food and land away from the people for the war effort, Knight begins to rally people to his side as more and more soldiers begin to leave the army and head home. Knight and Jones County then secede from the Confederacy and become the Free State of Jones.  Continue reading “Mini Review: Free State of Jones”

Tanner Reviews The 5th Wave

5th-Wave_poster2016 sucks… Of course I miss movies like Hardcore Henry, of course I miss movies like Zootopia. I, instead, get left with the festering piles of crap that I bring all the hate filled bile to the forefront of my mind. I have seen two movies that are worth while this year and the rest have either been trash or at best forgettable. I need a good movie from 2016. Just to prove that there is something left in the tank. Please, if you are out there, send Zootopia. I want that movie! I NEED to see that movie! Just to prove that their is a cinema god out there and that he doesn’t hate me.

I cannot think to write a full review for this movie because this movie doesn’t deserve a full review. It isn’t because it is so horrendous that I cannot write, it is because it is moderately horrendous mixed in with the right amount of forgettable “seen it before” crap that it is fading from my memory even as I write these words. It is my hope that I can get this review written before I completely forget about it. I mean, I should have known. The January movies are quietly being released to the five people who actually wanted to watch them again so I can continue to pick the bones of their carcasses. Either way, let’s get this shit over with. Continue reading “Tanner Reviews The 5th Wave”

Tanner Reviews God’s Not Dead 2

God's_Not_Dead_2_posterYou know, I have to give it to the people who go out to theaters and record these movies for the sole purpose of putting them up on the internet. It takes a certain kind of person to go to every single one of these movies, film them, and then throw them up for the sake of who knows what. Especially since there is a lot of crap out there that are only out there for people who want their beliefs reaffirmed to them and people like me who suffers for an internet community so that they don’t have to. I actually had to look up God’s Not Dead 2 because there was no way I was going to be paying money for that. I had to look it up on my browser, watch it, and then know that; yes, things can in fact get worse after the first movie.

God’s Not Dead 2 is the story of Grace Wesley (Melissa Joan Hart). She is a teacher at a high school and lands herself in some hot water after one of her students asks her a question about Jesus in a history class and she answers it. This, of course, gets blown completely out of proportions and suddenly the evil entity known as the American Civil Liberties Union shows up to sue Grace stating that they will prove once and for all that God is Dead! The rest of the movie is the story of the court room trial. Continue reading “Tanner Reviews God’s Not Dead 2”

Tanner Reviews Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice

Batman_v_Superman_posterI’m just going to be straight forward here. I am not going to make friends with this review. I did not like this movie. I did not like this movie at all! While Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice has redeemable qualities, it is ultimately a terrible, dark, and depressing attempt at creating the lightning in the bottle that Marvel started years ago. I want this to be a warning to my readers, if you thought this was a good movie, you read the next article with a huge grain of salt because I am going to be absolutely merciless in my criticism.

Set 18 months after Superman (Henry Cavill) and General Zod (Michael Shannon) murdered thousands of innocent people with their alien battle, the world has returned to something of normalcy. A shrine has been built in memorial of those who died on that day. The people, naturally are a little worried about the power that Superman carries. They are so worried that the US government is playing with the idea of Alexander “Lex” Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) to build a weapon made out of Kryptonite found from General Zod’s crash. Meanwhile in Gotham City, already disenfranchised with all the villains of Gotham, Batman/Bruce Wayne (Ben Afflack) is in agreement that Superman may have too much power and the power that he wields could potentially be his undoing and the undoing of the world. But at the same time, doesn’t trust Lex Luthor… For reasons? I’m not sure. Either way, this jumble of mixed storylines comes together to give us the ultimate battle of “God vs. Human” in Superman vs. Batman. Continue reading “Tanner Reviews Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice”

Tanner Reviews No Escape

No_Escape_(2015_film)_posterSo on the opposite side of the coin, after seeing a movie that I thought was going to be bad, but turned out to be good. The next movie I saw was a movie that I thought was going to be decent, but turned out to be festering shit. That may be giving too much away on that one, but I have never been one to be the master of subtlety or waiting for the perfect moment to drop the critic bomb. But in either case, let’s talk about the strange anomaly that is No Escape. I didn’t think a movie like this could exist in this time, but I’ll be damned if I was wrong on that one. I never thought I would see a movie in 2015 that was so unintentionally xenophobic and racist that I was expecting someone to just appear in yellow face shades of Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  Continue reading “Tanner Reviews No Escape”

Exploitation April: Sharknado

Sharknado_posterSo Exploitation April comes to an end. Over the course of the month we have talked about some really sleazy parts of exploitation. We talked about the exploitation of a real tragedy with Guyana: Cult of the Damned, exploitation of sex with Schoolgirl Hitchhikers, and gore exploitation with Cannibal Ferox. But today we are going to talk about a new kind of exploitation, a strange new genre that has wormed its way into main stream culture, CGI Exploitation.

For anyone among us who grew up in the past decade, the SciFi channel original movie and movies from the production company The Asylum are fresh in all of our minds. Oh the days when I was a young teenager, sitting in my room eating Lucky Charms, and watching Python 2 or Megaladon vs. Giant Octopus. They were fun, campy, and silly complete with a cast of nobody actors and a cookie cutter plot, 8-10 people show up to location x, monster x shows up, eats the majority of them, and rinse and repeat. But of all the features of these movies, none was more prevalent than the fact that each and every single one of the gigantic fuck off monsters was made of some of the most horrendous CGI to ever grace the tiny screen. I mean, I’ve seen some bad CGI, but this… This looks like it was created straight out of some teenagers photoshop project gone horribly wrong. I watched them all the time and I absolutely loved them. I didn’t care they were the same plot with the same premise, they were goofy, and it was a way to kill time on a Sunday afternoon.

Needless to say that as the years would go on these movies would start to become a little… Self aware. They realized their flaws and realized what they were, cheesy creature feature B Movies. So they started playing into what people like about these movies and the culmination of that is The Asylum’s Sharknado. One part CGI exploitation, 2 parts insanity, and a big ole dosage of self awareness equals out to what is by all accounts the most popular film in the sub genre. Sharknado’s popularity has won it over in the eyes of people, but as we know in movies, popularity DEFINITELY doesn’t equate to value. So let’s take a look at this movie to wrap up Exploitation April. Continue reading “Exploitation April: Sharknado”