Tag: Bad Movie

At the Movies: Murder on the Orient Express & Wish Upon

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Cheesy Romance Month: City of Angels

city_of_angelsHow in the hell did this movie stay so far off of my radar? Seriously! This thing screams cheesy romance. It has the perfect blend of Meg Ryan, random male star du jour, and a silly plot based on a contrived premise. Why did it take me, neigh, three years to actually tackle this thing? Well, I guess since this month is dedicated to typically cheerful comedies, City of Angels tends to sometimes get passed over. This thing has been a long time coming so let’s tear into this piece of shit!

In its most base form, City of Angels is the story of Nicolas Cage’s character, Seth. He is an angel that wants to denounce his angelic ways in order to have sex with Meg Ryan’s character, Dr. Maggie Rice. That is really about it. I mean, sure, the movie likes to pretend that it has some overarching plot about the frailty of life and the acceptance of death, but in truth, this is just a movie about an angel giving up his wings in order to get a little action before his love interest is killed by the plot contrivance truck. Continue reading “Cheesy Romance Month: City of Angels”

Cheesy Romance Month: Mini Review: Cruel Intentions

cruel_intentions_ver1So yeah… My life has gotten insanely busy recently and tragically I ran out of time to write a full review for this one. So I apologize for this one. But all things considered, you aren’t really missing much. This is the 1990’s when shallow remakes of classic literature reigned supreme. As such, Cruel Intentions may very well be the worst of them all. A story about an upper class kids being assholes to one another, the movie is downright unwatchable even when you are one of the people who are the target demographic. It is no wonder that this movie has quickly been lost to the sands of time.  Continue reading “Cheesy Romance Month: Mini Review: Cruel Intentions”

Mini Review: Free State of Jones

free_state_of_jones_posterI was going to make this a full review… Then I realized that there was almost nothing to talk about with this movie and thought, “Why should I bother?” The Free State of Jones is a movie that was released early in the summer and was meant to be a more conservative summer blockbuster. Sure Independence Day: Resurgence and Suicide Squad are out there, but also here is a unique story about the Civil War based on a fascinating book written by Sally Jenkins. While the movie itself isn’t the worst thing that I have ever seen, the source material did not fit a summer blockbuster movie and as a result gets labeled with two words that kill a movie: boring and forgettable.

After the Battle of Corinth, Confederate soldier Newton Knight (Matthew McConaughey) deserts the army and makes his way back home to Jones County Mississippi. Becoming increasingly disenfranchised with the confederate army after the death of thousands mixed with the fact that the Confederacy is now taking food and land away from the people for the war effort, Knight begins to rally people to his side as more and more soldiers begin to leave the army and head home. Knight and Jones County then secede from the Confederacy and become the Free State of Jones.  Continue reading “Mini Review: Free State of Jones”

Tanner Reviews The 5th Wave

5th-Wave_poster2016 sucks… Of course I miss movies like Hardcore Henry, of course I miss movies like Zootopia. I, instead, get left with the festering piles of crap that I bring all the hate filled bile to the forefront of my mind. I have seen two movies that are worth while this year and the rest have either been trash or at best forgettable. I need a good movie from 2016. Just to prove that there is something left in the tank. Please, if you are out there, send Zootopia. I want that movie! I NEED to see that movie! Just to prove that their is a cinema god out there and that he doesn’t hate me.

I cannot think to write a full review for this movie because this movie doesn’t deserve a full review. It isn’t because it is so horrendous that I cannot write, it is because it is moderately horrendous mixed in with the right amount of forgettable “seen it before” crap that it is fading from my memory even as I write these words. It is my hope that I can get this review written before I completely forget about it. I mean, I should have known. The January movies are quietly being released to the five people who actually wanted to watch them again so I can continue to pick the bones of their carcasses. Either way, let’s get this shit over with. Continue reading “Tanner Reviews The 5th Wave”

Tanner Reviews God’s Not Dead 2

God's_Not_Dead_2_posterYou know, I have to give it to the people who go out to theaters and record these movies for the sole purpose of putting them up on the internet. It takes a certain kind of person to go to every single one of these movies, film them, and then throw them up for the sake of who knows what. Especially since there is a lot of crap out there that are only out there for people who want their beliefs reaffirmed to them and people like me who suffers for an internet community so that they don’t have to. I actually had to look up God’s Not Dead 2 because there was no way I was going to be paying money for that. I had to look it up on my browser, watch it, and then know that; yes, things can in fact get worse after the first movie.

God’s Not Dead 2 is the story of Grace Wesley (Melissa Joan Hart). She is a teacher at a high school and lands herself in some hot water after one of her students asks her a question about Jesus in a history class and she answers it. This, of course, gets blown completely out of proportions and suddenly the evil entity known as the American Civil Liberties Union shows up to sue Grace stating that they will prove once and for all that God is Dead! The rest of the movie is the story of the court room trial. Continue reading “Tanner Reviews God’s Not Dead 2”