Tag: Shit Movie

Mini Review: The Forest

The_Forest_PosterFor the love of all that is good and holy, this year has been absolute hell when it comes to movies. Out of the movies, I have seen I have one ONE MOVIE on the “Best List” right now and that is Deadpool. My worst list has already filled up at this point! I have a fucking dishonorable mention! My god, I need to see some good movies this year. Something, anything! Why didn’t I see Zootopia? I hear that was a good movie! Why couldn’t I have found that on a fucking stream!? NO! Instead, I find The Forest! My god, I had to stumble across this piece of dog shit and now have to take soap to my eyes just to wash the images out of them. Continue reading “Mini Review: The Forest”

Tanner Reviews United Passions

United_PassionsSo for those who are not familiar with my life, I work as a high school and college soccer/football (whatever you like to call it) referee. I have done it for years, it is good money, I love the job, and it is a good way to keep in shape. I have been a fan of football/soccer for just as long. I love the European Leagues as well as MLS, where my favorite club, DC United plays. It is a fun sport and I thoroughly enjoy watching it and officiating it. As most of you probably know, the international ruling party of football/soccer is called FIFA or Federation Internationale de Football Association (forgive the lack of accent marks). Most of you will also know that FIFA is probably the most corrupt institution on this entire earth. The organization is filled with shysters, con men, and despicably corrupt white-collar criminals from around the world. What is even worse, it is one of the few organizations that openly flaunts how corrupt it is by constantly selling their bids to the highest bidder. Just recently, the United States and Switzerland opened a case that brought many of these guys on corruption charges and hopefully clean out the organization of all the despicable lowlifes which includes the King of Corruption and all things Bullshit, Sepp Blatter who will hopefully resign or get booted from office as soon as they arrest his withered and wrinkly ass.

But what does all of this have to do with today’s subject? Well I’m glad you asked. You see, these corrupt officials have a lot of money they can throw around and they are some egotistical little shits so they decided to funnel approximately $31 Million dollars into making a movie about the creation of FIFA, through their own warped sense of self-indulgence. So today we are going to look at the by-product of what happens when corrupt, white-collar criminals have the money and the means to indulge in their depraved fantasies, United Passions.

This movie has already gotten off to a historical start. Panned by critics upon its release, the film has grossed a grand total of $918 in the United States and just over $178,000 worldwide, making it one of the most colossal failures in the history of cinema. But the question remains, sure the movie is a bomb, BUT is the movie actually okay? Many movies bomb, but in time find their audience… Could this movie be the same? OF COURSE NOT! THIS MOVIE IS COMPLETE AND TOTAL SHIT! Oh my god, is it bad! I have never seen a group of people more eager to stroke their own egos while simultaneously rewriting history to suit their interests. My word, this is some total bullshit on the highest order and I had the misfortune of finding it on the internet so I could sit through it, just to reaffirm to all of my readers that, YES, this movie is indeed shit! Continue reading “Tanner Reviews United Passions”

Tanner Reviews Resident Evil Apocalypse

220px-Resident_evil_apocalypse_posterGuess what happens in seven days? I will be publishing my 100th review! WOOT! Yes, this Sunday I will be posting my 100th review and in honor of this I am dedicating this next week to my extreme self-interest! The next episode of the Nerdiest Talk Show on Earth will be released Friday and will be a Vlog of myself and Brandon talking about video game guilty pleasures. On Saturday I will be reviewing one of the most anticipated games of the year, Grand Theft Auto V, and at the end I will be releasing my 100th review on a subject that is very near and dear to my heart. But that you will have to return Sunday to see. So yeah, a very exciting week for Tanner Reviews… And starting off the festivities, I thought it would be high time that I reviewed my most hated film of all time! Oh yes, out of all the films that have ever existed, nothing angers me more than this one. The crown jewel of this nerd’s nerd rage, Paul WS Anderson’s feces covered abomination, Resident Evil Apocalypse.  Continue reading “Tanner Reviews Resident Evil Apocalypse”