Tag: Terrible Movie

At the Movies: Murder on the Orient Express & Wish Upon

Mini Review: The Bye Bye Man

The_Bye_Bye_Man_posterYou know, I still do film reviews on this site. It has been a mixed bag of a year considering that I have been putting a lot of my attention on my academics and the new video series Crit or Miss (WHICH YOU SHOULD TOTALLY GO TO YOUTUBE TO SUBSCRIBE TO AND WATCH ALL THE VIDEOS!!!!!!). But I am still here to review some movies. Tragically I haven’t had much of a shot to get to the movies so the reviews have been lacking a little. But fear not! I will be returning to the big screen soon! But for now, let’s check out one that I had to watch on my tiny ass flat screen, The Bye Bye Man. Boy… Was this one an absolute pain in my ass… Continue reading “Mini Review: The Bye Bye Man”

Mini Review: Free State of Jones

free_state_of_jones_posterI was going to make this a full review… Then I realized that there was almost nothing to talk about with this movie and thought, “Why should I bother?” The Free State of Jones is a movie that was released early in the summer and was meant to be a more conservative summer blockbuster. Sure Independence Day: Resurgence and Suicide Squad are out there, but also here is a unique story about the Civil War based on a fascinating book written by Sally Jenkins. While the movie itself isn’t the worst thing that I have ever seen, the source material did not fit a summer blockbuster movie and as a result gets labeled with two words that kill a movie: boring and forgettable.

After the Battle of Corinth, Confederate soldier Newton Knight (Matthew McConaughey) deserts the army and makes his way back home to Jones County Mississippi. Becoming increasingly disenfranchised with the confederate army after the death of thousands mixed with the fact that the Confederacy is now taking food and land away from the people for the war effort, Knight begins to rally people to his side as more and more soldiers begin to leave the army and head home. Knight and Jones County then secede from the Confederacy and become the Free State of Jones.  Continue reading “Mini Review: Free State of Jones”

Mini Review: The Forest

The_Forest_PosterFor the love of all that is good and holy, this year has been absolute hell when it comes to movies. Out of the movies, I have seen I have one ONE MOVIE on the “Best List” right now and that is Deadpool. My worst list has already filled up at this point! I have a fucking dishonorable mention! My god, I need to see some good movies this year. Something, anything! Why didn’t I see Zootopia? I hear that was a good movie! Why couldn’t I have found that on a fucking stream!? NO! Instead, I find The Forest! My god, I had to stumble across this piece of dog shit and now have to take soap to my eyes just to wash the images out of them. Continue reading “Mini Review: The Forest”

Tanner Reviews Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice

Batman_v_Superman_posterI’m just going to be straight forward here. I am not going to make friends with this review. I did not like this movie. I did not like this movie at all! While Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice has redeemable qualities, it is ultimately a terrible, dark, and depressing attempt at creating the lightning in the bottle that Marvel started years ago. I want this to be a warning to my readers, if you thought this was a good movie, you read the next article with a huge grain of salt because I am going to be absolutely merciless in my criticism.

Set 18 months after Superman (Henry Cavill) and General Zod (Michael Shannon) murdered thousands of innocent people with their alien battle, the world has returned to something of normalcy. A shrine has been built in memorial of those who died on that day. The people, naturally are a little worried about the power that Superman carries. They are so worried that the US government is playing with the idea of Alexander “Lex” Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) to build a weapon made out of Kryptonite found from General Zod’s crash. Meanwhile in Gotham City, already disenfranchised with all the villains of Gotham, Batman/Bruce Wayne (Ben Afflack) is in agreement that Superman may have too much power and the power that he wields could potentially be his undoing and the undoing of the world. But at the same time, doesn’t trust Lex Luthor… For reasons? I’m not sure. Either way, this jumble of mixed storylines comes together to give us the ultimate battle of “God vs. Human” in Superman vs. Batman. Continue reading “Tanner Reviews Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice”

Tanner Reviews Gods of Egypt

Gods_of_Egypt_posterThis movie is a piece of shit! I already have a strong contender for worst movie of 2016. The movie gods have smiled upon me once again. My god… You know, this really is the worst kind of movie. It is the kind of movie that you can see where the idea was going and in the hands of more capable people, could have been something good. But instead the money is absolutely wasted on a terribly written story, a mix of what could have been good graphics, and just all around shitty camera work makes this film an absolute pile of garbage of awfulness.
The plot of this movie, I think, it was painfully difficult to follow it… BUT the plot that I can glean is that the Gods of Egypt live with the mortals. They are very tall (when the camera work let’s them be), they bleed gold to get that PG-13 rating, they have terrible CGI morphing powers, and are nothing more than condescending dicks to them. Osiris (Bryan Brown) is kind of cool with mortals, but everyone else belittles them and expects there worship… Which the mortals are more than happy to do! Except for our plucky protagonist Bek (Benton Thwaites) who is an atheist, much to the chagrin of the love of his life, Zaya (Courtney Eaton). One day, when Osiris is crowning a new king in Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldu). All is going well until Set (Gerard Butler) gets a wild hair up his ass that he wants to rule Egypt. So he kills Osiris and rips out Horus’s eyes. He then dictates that in order to get into the afterlife, you need to pay your way in… Why? Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck cares, this movie sure as shit doesn’t.

A year passes Horus is a sham of his former self. After Bek robs one of his eyes from Set’s vault, Zaya is killed by the master builder. So Bek and Horus make a pact that if Bek helps Horus get his other eye back and he will bring Zaya back to life. The rest of the movie is a pile of who the fuck knows including battles that would be cool if we paid any amount of attention to it, Horus’s shotty relationship Hathor (Elodie Young), and Ra (Geoffrey Rush) battling a gigantic cloud worm. Continue reading “Tanner Reviews Gods of Egypt”

Tanner Reviews No Escape

No_Escape_(2015_film)_posterSo on the opposite side of the coin, after seeing a movie that I thought was going to be bad, but turned out to be good. The next movie I saw was a movie that I thought was going to be decent, but turned out to be festering shit. That may be giving too much away on that one, but I have never been one to be the master of subtlety or waiting for the perfect moment to drop the critic bomb. But in either case, let’s talk about the strange anomaly that is No Escape. I didn’t think a movie like this could exist in this time, but I’ll be damned if I was wrong on that one. I never thought I would see a movie in 2015 that was so unintentionally xenophobic and racist that I was expecting someone to just appear in yellow face shades of Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  Continue reading “Tanner Reviews No Escape”

From the Vaults: Doom (Film)

Doom_movie_posterToday we open up the doors to The Vault to talk about video game movies. Looking back at the history books, I am not sure there is a good video game movie out there. Mortal Kombat was fun for all the wrong reasons, primarily being a camp fest with little bore and a lot of hair style product. Super Mario Bros. was bad in all the good ways, being one of the most awesomely terrible movies that you can ever watch. The fact is that there is no good video game movies AND if any of you say Resident Evil, I will strangle you! That series sucks so fucking hard and proves that nepotism is alive in well with Milla Jovovich being the star of an action series!

Video game movies are bad for an entire score of reasons. First off, video games are like books. They tell a story, a very long story, that cannot be told within the time frame of a movie. Even eliminating game play, most video game stories run upwards to 3-5 hours. Also, unlike books that try to stick to the premise of the book for the most part, video game movies typically take on an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT concept, even to the extent that the only thing that is the same is the names of characters and the name of the movie (thank you Resident Evil). There are numerous reasons, but for now let us focus on another instance where a video game movie just didn’t get what we came to see, Doom. Continue reading “From the Vaults: Doom (Film)”

Tanner Reviews United Passions

United_PassionsSo for those who are not familiar with my life, I work as a high school and college soccer/football (whatever you like to call it) referee. I have done it for years, it is good money, I love the job, and it is a good way to keep in shape. I have been a fan of football/soccer for just as long. I love the European Leagues as well as MLS, where my favorite club, DC United plays. It is a fun sport and I thoroughly enjoy watching it and officiating it. As most of you probably know, the international ruling party of football/soccer is called FIFA or Federation Internationale de Football Association (forgive the lack of accent marks). Most of you will also know that FIFA is probably the most corrupt institution on this entire earth. The organization is filled with shysters, con men, and despicably corrupt white-collar criminals from around the world. What is even worse, it is one of the few organizations that openly flaunts how corrupt it is by constantly selling their bids to the highest bidder. Just recently, the United States and Switzerland opened a case that brought many of these guys on corruption charges and hopefully clean out the organization of all the despicable lowlifes which includes the King of Corruption and all things Bullshit, Sepp Blatter who will hopefully resign or get booted from office as soon as they arrest his withered and wrinkly ass.

But what does all of this have to do with today’s subject? Well I’m glad you asked. You see, these corrupt officials have a lot of money they can throw around and they are some egotistical little shits so they decided to funnel approximately $31 Million dollars into making a movie about the creation of FIFA, through their own warped sense of self-indulgence. So today we are going to look at the by-product of what happens when corrupt, white-collar criminals have the money and the means to indulge in their depraved fantasies, United Passions.

This movie has already gotten off to a historical start. Panned by critics upon its release, the film has grossed a grand total of $918 in the United States and just over $178,000 worldwide, making it one of the most colossal failures in the history of cinema. But the question remains, sure the movie is a bomb, BUT is the movie actually okay? Many movies bomb, but in time find their audience… Could this movie be the same? OF COURSE NOT! THIS MOVIE IS COMPLETE AND TOTAL SHIT! Oh my god, is it bad! I have never seen a group of people more eager to stroke their own egos while simultaneously rewriting history to suit their interests. My word, this is some total bullshit on the highest order and I had the misfortune of finding it on the internet so I could sit through it, just to reaffirm to all of my readers that, YES, this movie is indeed shit! Continue reading “Tanner Reviews United Passions”