Tag: Terrible Movie

At the Movies: Murder on the Orient Express & Wish Upon

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Mini Review: The Bye Bye Man

The_Bye_Bye_Man_posterYou know, I still do film reviews on this site. It has been a mixed bag of a year considering that I have been putting a lot of my attention on my academics and the new video series Crit or Miss (WHICH YOU SHOULD TOTALLY GO TO YOUTUBE TO SUBSCRIBE TO AND WATCH ALL THE VIDEOS!!!!!!). But I am still here to review some movies. Tragically I haven’t had much of a shot to get to the movies so the reviews have been lacking a little. But fear not! I will be returning to the big screen soon! But for now, let’s check out one that I had to watch on my tiny ass flat screen, The Bye Bye Man. Boy… Was this one an absolute pain in my ass… Continue reading “Mini Review: The Bye Bye Man”

Mini Review: Free State of Jones

free_state_of_jones_posterI was going to make this a full review… Then I realized that there was almost nothing to talk about with this movie and thought, “Why should I bother?” The Free State of Jones is a movie that was released early in the summer and was meant to be a more conservative summer blockbuster. Sure Independence Day: Resurgence and Suicide Squad are out there, but also here is a unique story about the Civil War based on a fascinating book written by Sally Jenkins. While the movie itself isn’t the worst thing that I have ever seen, the source material did not fit a summer blockbuster movie and as a result gets labeled with two words that kill a movie: boring and forgettable.

After the Battle of Corinth, Confederate soldier Newton Knight (Matthew McConaughey) deserts the army and makes his way back home to Jones County Mississippi. Becoming increasingly disenfranchised with the confederate army after the death of thousands mixed with the fact that the Confederacy is now taking food and land away from the people for the war effort, Knight begins to rally people to his side as more and more soldiers begin to leave the army and head home. Knight and Jones County then secede from the Confederacy and become the Free State of Jones.  Continue reading “Mini Review: Free State of Jones”

Mini Review: The Forest

The_Forest_PosterFor the love of all that is good and holy, this year has been absolute hell when it comes to movies. Out of the movies, I have seen I have one ONE MOVIE on the “Best List” right now and that is Deadpool. My worst list has already filled up at this point! I have a fucking dishonorable mention! My god, I need to see some good movies this year. Something, anything! Why didn’t I see Zootopia? I hear that was a good movie! Why couldn’t I have found that on a fucking stream!? NO! Instead, I find The Forest! My god, I had to stumble across this piece of dog shit and now have to take soap to my eyes just to wash the images out of them. Continue reading “Mini Review: The Forest”

Tanner Reviews Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice

Batman_v_Superman_posterI’m just going to be straight forward here. I am not going to make friends with this review. I did not like this movie. I did not like this movie at all! While Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice has redeemable qualities, it is ultimately a terrible, dark, and depressing attempt at creating the lightning in the bottle that Marvel started years ago. I want this to be a warning to my readers, if you thought this was a good movie, you read the next article with a huge grain of salt because I am going to be absolutely merciless in my criticism.

Set 18 months after Superman (Henry Cavill) and General Zod (Michael Shannon) murdered thousands of innocent people with their alien battle, the world has returned to something of normalcy. A shrine has been built in memorial of those who died on that day. The people, naturally are a little worried about the power that Superman carries. They are so worried that the US government is playing with the idea of Alexander “Lex” Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) to build a weapon made out of Kryptonite found from General Zod’s crash. Meanwhile in Gotham City, already disenfranchised with all the villains of Gotham, Batman/Bruce Wayne (Ben Afflack) is in agreement that Superman may have too much power and the power that he wields could potentially be his undoing and the undoing of the world. But at the same time, doesn’t trust Lex Luthor… For reasons? I’m not sure. Either way, this jumble of mixed storylines comes together to give us the ultimate battle of “God vs. Human” in Superman vs. Batman. Continue reading “Tanner Reviews Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice”

Tanner Reviews Gods of Egypt

Gods_of_Egypt_posterThis movie is a piece of shit! I already have a strong contender for worst movie of 2016. The movie gods have smiled upon me once again. My god… You know, this really is the worst kind of movie. It is the kind of movie that you can see where the idea was going and in the hands of more capable people, could have been something good. But instead the money is absolutely wasted on a terribly written story, a mix of what could have been good graphics, and just all around shitty camera work makes this film an absolute pile of garbage of awfulness.
The plot of this movie, I think, it was painfully difficult to follow it… BUT the plot that I can glean is that the Gods of Egypt live with the mortals. They are very tall (when the camera work let’s them be), they bleed gold to get that PG-13 rating, they have terrible CGI morphing powers, and are nothing more than condescending dicks to them. Osiris (Bryan Brown) is kind of cool with mortals, but everyone else belittles them and expects there worship… Which the mortals are more than happy to do! Except for our plucky protagonist Bek (Benton Thwaites) who is an atheist, much to the chagrin of the love of his life, Zaya (Courtney Eaton). One day, when Osiris is crowning a new king in Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldu). All is going well until Set (Gerard Butler) gets a wild hair up his ass that he wants to rule Egypt. So he kills Osiris and rips out Horus’s eyes. He then dictates that in order to get into the afterlife, you need to pay your way in… Why? Who the fuck knows? Who the fuck cares, this movie sure as shit doesn’t.

A year passes Horus is a sham of his former self. After Bek robs one of his eyes from Set’s vault, Zaya is killed by the master builder. So Bek and Horus make a pact that if Bek helps Horus get his other eye back and he will bring Zaya back to life. The rest of the movie is a pile of who the fuck knows including battles that would be cool if we paid any amount of attention to it, Horus’s shotty relationship Hathor (Elodie Young), and Ra (Geoffrey Rush) battling a gigantic cloud worm. Continue reading “Tanner Reviews Gods of Egypt”