Tag: terrible

Cheesy Romance Month: Mini Review: Cruel Intentions

cruel_intentions_ver1So yeah… My life has gotten insanely busy recently and tragically I ran out of time to write a full review for this one. So I apologize for this one. But all things considered, you aren’t really missing much. This is the 1990’s when shallow remakes of classic literature reigned supreme. As such, Cruel Intentions may very well be the worst of them all. A story about an upper class kids being assholes to one another, the movie is downright unwatchable even when you are one of the people who are the target demographic. It is no wonder that this movie has quickly been lost to the sands of time.  Continue reading “Cheesy Romance Month: Mini Review: Cruel Intentions”

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Tanner Reviews No Man’s Sky

The original post of this article can be found at Project Derailed. Seeing as how this game will be included with my year end best and worst list, I decided to post it on here as well.

cover_large… What is there to say? What is there to say that the rest of this world hasn’t already said? No Man’s Sky is on the fast track to becoming this generation’s Daikatana. It is a game that had so much promise and so much unique possibilities, but all that it ended being was one of the greatest disappointments in video game history. While this opening may seem like it is laden with hyperbole, I assure you that this is my legitimate opinion. I am not attempting to push something for the sake of shock value. I do, honestly believe, that No Man’s Sky is in the same league as John Romero’s coke filled fever dream.

So this is going to be a combination of a Top 5 list and one of my regular reviews. I will give five reasons why this game is such a large pile of abject failure and then finish up with a conclusion and final score. Continue reading “Tanner Reviews No Man’s Sky”

Tanner Reviews I am Bread

i-am-bread-release-date-announced_98wc.1920Well isn’t this a catchy and vague fucking name for a game? I am Bread… What does that even mean? I don’t… I am Bread, along with its accompanying picture of a slice of bread on the brink of falling to the floor creates a unique sensation for all gamers that can be summed up like this: OH! What the fuck is…? Oh I have to try this!

It is the only reaction that anyone could possibly have to a title like this. What the hell is this thing? What is it about? You need to become toast? What the fuck? The questions, for me, eventually won out and I decided that, after nearly a year the beta sat on my wishlist, it was high time to spend a little disposable income to give this game the old college try.

I am Bread is a game that was developed by Bossa Studios. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Bossa Studios, they are the guys who created Surgeon Simulator and Thomas Was Alone. So, we are in some memorable and somewhat existential company when it comes to the things these people have made in the past.

The story of I am Bread is simple. You control a piece of bread and your job is to become toast and remains as edible as possible. That is about it. There are some other modes, but the meat and potatoes of the game is to become toast. So already I am in a critical bind in ways I can critique this game, but I’ll give it a go anyways. Continue reading “Tanner Reviews I am Bread”

Tanner Reviews Darknet

Darknet_TV_logo_2014I do enjoy horror movies. I’m not some pretentious twat wagon that sticks his nose in the air at the mere mention of a slasher flick or a murder spree adventure. Hell, I love the Friday the 13th franchise and I am one of the critics that will constantly praise Saw as being one of the best horror franchises of the past couple of decades. I do enjoy them… But man, of all the genres out there, horror is the one that is filled with the most mind numbing crap. Oh! Speaking of mind numbing crap, let’s talk about Darknet!

I was expecting a lot more out of this series going into it. I saw it on Netflix while browsing through the lists one day and thought: ‘Hmmm…. I do enjoy a good anthology series AND people are comparing it to American Horror Story and V/H/S so I’ll give it a go.’ After watching it, it is nowhere near the same level as American Horror Story and V/H/S. It isn’t even in the same room as American Horror Story and V/H/S. Darknet is the lowly fry cook dumping the used grease into a back alley while American Horror Story and V/H/S enjoy a lovely dinner with sensible good movies and television series. Continue reading “Tanner Reviews Darknet”

Tanner Reviews Fever Pitch (2005)

Fever_Pitch_USOh my… This was absolutely terrible. Why didn’t I watch this movie for Cheesy Romance Month? It takes me great pains to say this… But I have actually found a movie that makes me want to watch Just Go With It again. Damn! I feel dirty saying that! This movie makes me WANT to sit through an Adam Sandler movie! That is how bad it is! At least with that movie I knew what I was about to watch was going to be terrible and at least the humor did not offend me at every turn with highly questionable morals, terrible stereotypes, and is a bastardized American version of what was originally a Football (Soccer if you must) story!

Fever Pitch is the story of Ben Wrightman (Jimmy Fallon) and Lindsey Meeks (Drew Barrymore). Ben is a 30-year-old man-child who has an obsession with the Boston Red Sox. He owns season tickets to the Sox and has been going since he was a 7-year-old boy. He meets Lindsey, a workaholic who is obsessed with her job. The two begin to date. Throughout their courtship, Lindsey and Ben’s relationship blossoms and is later put on strain by Ben’s obsession with the Boston Red Sox as it consumes every part of his life. I wish I could explain more of this movie, but in all seriousness that is about it. It is an extraordinarily padded film based around a very simple concept, two people fall in love, the Boston Red Sox are involved, it strains their relationship. That is about it. Continue reading “Tanner Reviews Fever Pitch (2005)”

Tanner Reviews Resident Evil Apocalypse

220px-Resident_evil_apocalypse_posterGuess what happens in seven days? I will be publishing my 100th review! WOOT! Yes, this Sunday I will be posting my 100th review and in honor of this I am dedicating this next week to my extreme self-interest! The next episode of the Nerdiest Talk Show on Earth will be released Friday and will be a Vlog of myself and Brandon talking about video game guilty pleasures. On Saturday I will be reviewing one of the most anticipated games of the year, Grand Theft Auto V, and at the end I will be releasing my 100th review on a subject that is very near and dear to my heart. But that you will have to return Sunday to see. So yeah, a very exciting week for Tanner Reviews… And starting off the festivities, I thought it would be high time that I reviewed my most hated film of all time! Oh yes, out of all the films that have ever existed, nothing angers me more than this one. The crown jewel of this nerd’s nerd rage, Paul WS Anderson’s feces covered abomination, Resident Evil Apocalypse.  Continue reading “Tanner Reviews Resident Evil Apocalypse”

Tanner Reviews Dark Shadows

Dark_Shadows_2012_PosterI have a love hate relationship with Tim Burton. The man has put out some fantastic work in the past and I would even go as far to say that he has released some of the greatest films of all time. If I ever make a list of the greatest films ever made then Edward Scissorhands, Batman, Beetlejuice, Ed Wood, Big Fish, and most important The Nightmare Before Christmas would easily be on the list. The man has an eye for cinema and a personal aesthetic that most people could only dream to have. Not to mention when I was in high school and associated myself with the ‘gothic crowd’ for a time I could not go a full day without hearing this man’s name or seeing some sort of memorabilia from this man’s films and thanks to that the man is one of the most famous directors on the scene today. Continue reading “Tanner Reviews Dark Shadows”